Figgyville

2004-06-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Old fashioned superstitions
I find too hard to break . . .

I watched The Goonies last night. It made me nostalgic for being a kid. For some reason it also made me think about all the things you thought were cool when you were younger that now seem lame. For instance, I used to have a major crush on this guy who was 4 years older than me and who had his own band. Anyway, me and my best friend at the time (who also had a crush on this guy) would always go to whatever talent show he and his band were appearing in because we thought he was totally hot and cool. I thought everything about him was cool, his looks, his car, his band. His band name by the way was called "The Backdoor Men" which seemed cool at the time, but now in retrospect seems kind of gay. Go ahead and laugh, but remember I was a kid - what the hell did I know.

2004-06-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Simply the Best, Better than all the rest . . .

I just had a Strawberries-n-Creme Frappucino from Starbucks which just reiterated what I already knew - Starbucks is far superior to Coffee Bean.

2004-05-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

We've got stars, directing our fate
And we're praying it's not too late, Because we know we're falling from grace. . .

I had to attend this seminar thing at The Century Plaza off of the Avenue of the Stars across from the Century City Mall. Anyway, if you find yourself on the Avenue of the Stars heading towards Santa Monica and are stopped at the light on CONSTELLATION take a look at the street sign on the left, it's spelled COSTELLATION. Can you believe that shit, they misspelled it. I hear those signs are really expensive and I guess I expected someone to pay more attention to detail when it comes to huge blunders of that kind.

For those of you who don't know anything about The Century Plaza know this, it consistently ranks as one of L.A.'s Top 10 for Spa/Resorts. Whether it's true or not I can't say, I will say however that I didn't think it was all that. The facilities are just okay, the meal they served me at the seminar was mediocre (and I'm being generous when I use that term), and the parking was typical for the area (hello $18.00 dollars a day seems a bit expensive but I was in Century City). My seminar was 2 days of boring lectures.

That's wasn't the bad part, the bad part was that for my profession I am very young and I'm sick of people asking me "Did you just get out of school?" I've been out of school for a while folks, have you ever considered the fact that hey maybe I'm not young and that you are just a jurassic geezer? There was one guy at the seminar who I swear looked like the Orville Redenbacher, he even wore a bow-tie. These people are OLD and presumably very rich considering the fact that most of them were attorneys, why don't they retire? I don't get it, maybe it's the whole wanting to stay active thing, but still maybe if a few of them retired their would be some jobs for new graduates.

Anyway, then I started thinking maybe it's me, maybe it's my outlook on life. Maybe I have been tainted by L.A. values. For instance, take the subject of age. People get old, but in L.A. getting old is such a no-no. When people ask my age, I'm honest. There's no getting around it, I was born a certain year and that's that. I'm getting older. However, when I ask a person in return how old they are it never ceases to amaze me how people try to dodge the issue, it's always "How old do you THINK I am?" I always feel like saying some smart ass thing like "Ordinarily, I tend to look for tell-tale signs of age such as crow's feet, but your question to my question is a dead giveaway signaling to me that you are OLD." Most of the time the people who I am asking aren't that much older (early 30s) or younger (late 20s) than me, but feel this need to protect their actual age. Since when has early 30s and lates 20s been considered old?

Superficial things like that bother me about L.A. If you want to really have a taste of L.A. culture spend a day at Century City. I used to love going to Century City back when I was in college, now I'm not too keen on it. For starters, just getting there is a test of patience. When the 405 is clear I can get from the South Bay to there in 20 minutes (no joke I've timed myself), but when there is traffic forget it (one time it took me an hour and a half and it was a SATURDAY!).

Once I get to the West Side there is the added aggravation of construction on Santa Monica (will that thing EVER be finished). Then there's having to deal with all the shitty drivers (presumably most of whom are tourists looking for the Peach Pit from Beverly Hills 90210). By the time I make it to the Century City mall, there is the typical hunt for a parking space. On the weekends the movie theater is pretty packed and again if I'm not sitting in traffic, I'm standing in a line such as the ticket booth at the AMC theater. Add to my indignity the fact that everytime I go to Century City I feel underdressed. Everybody's dressed like their going clubbing or about to walk down some runway in a Dolce & Gabbana fashion show.

Even after the movie, there is the inevitable line at the parking validation machine, followed by the wait at the parking exit to get out. Evertime this happens to me, I think to myself I have to get the hell out of this city. I still think about this quite a bit, but the question I have not yet answered for myself is where I want to go. For all my L.A. gripes there is a certain entertainment value I get from living here that I don't think I would find anywhere else, but doesn't mean I won't stop looking for another equally as fascinating, crazy city. Some people fear change or so they claim, I actually think they're afraid of change but what do I know. Whenever I meet someone who went to college in the same city where they were born and raised, I think to myself poor sucker you were too afraid to leave your safety net, then I meet other people who can never settle in one place and have travelled all over the world and think to myself goddamn you are one brave mofo or somecrazy ass hippy.

I would like to think I'm somewhere inbetween, I guess I still have a bit of wanderlust left in me to the point that I still don't feel settled enough to call L.A. home. God forbid that I should be here 10 years from now doing what I'm doing now. At that point I anticipate I'll be so morally bankrupt I'll probably be able to refer you to my plastic surgeon or at least take you for a ride in my Mercedes-Benz or some equally bougie car. If that happens, shoot me.

2004-05-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

I'm happy I'm feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag . . .

Okay one more post, why not I'm on a roll. This morning I trekked (seriously this was a trek) from the South Bay all the way up to the La Canada-Flintridge area to go visit the Descanso Gardens. Seriously, I had to take 6 different freeways to get there. I went from the 405 to the 105 to the 110 to the 5 to the 2 to the 210. I was worried I wouldn't be able to go anywhere this weekend because last night I did something very stupid.

I did my laundry (that's not the stupid thing, wait I'm getting there). I go to the laundry room and of course it's empty on a Friday night. Love it, because I normally take 3 washing machines. Before I load my clothes, I like to put my quarters and laundry detergent in and let the water run before I put the clothes in there. So everything's going along and as I'm putting my sheets into the one washer, I hear this metallic clink hit the inside of the machine. Oh SHIT, my car keys and my remote control for opening the gate to my apartment parking structure. FUCK!!!!!!!! So I'm all panicking and get my keychain out. Good news the car remote works fine (not a big deal even if it didn't because I have a spare one, but I notice that the light on the garage remote is on and the button isn't even being depressed, SHIT!!!!). That remote is frickin' expensive too so of course I'm freaking.

Anyway after putting my clothes in the washer, I go back to my apartment grab a screwdriver and open up the garage remote. Water literally drips out from there. Damn it. So I'm using papertowels trying to dry everything as best I could and walk down again to see if the remote will work. As I'm walking to the gate, I'm pressing my remote over and over and over again. Crap, the gate's not opening.

Needless to say as I was attempting to leave my apartment complex the following morning, I was crossing my fingers the whole time praying to God I wouldn't have to get another remote and that the gate would open. Luckily for me it worked. I was already trying to concoct stories to tell my apartment manager that the garage remote she gave me was defective and that it totally wasn't my fault the thing wasn't working. Now I don't have a need for those stories, but if you find yourself in a similar situation drop me a line and I'll give you an almost foolproof story. Seriously, I thought of a great one.

I make it to Descanso and surprisingly it was hot, but it's not Pasadena hot, but I'm sure it's because I made it out there early. I'm kind of disappointed though because I missed the blossoming of the lilacs and the camellias. I was told the best time of year to go is in mid to late April. Oh well, maybe next year. If you've never been, it's worth going. And if you have the time stop by the Black Cow Cafe on Honolulu Avenue in Montrose for lunch. I've heard the breakfast is better. I'm sure it must be great considering they made one of the best chicken sandwiches I have ever had in my life.

2004-05-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Vacation's all I ever wanted . . .

I took a mini-vacation last weekend up north to Palo Alto with my aunt. Even though I've been up north before, this was the first time I was driving up there. It took us 5 and 1/2 hours to make it. It's amazing how large California is when you think about it. Driving up the 5 you get to pass by the cows near Harris Ranch, the pistachio, and almond farms. Can I also add that the gas stations lining the highways really screw you. The worst gas price I saw for regular was $2.85 per gallon. Sheesh!!!!! Luckily for me and my Aunt, the company I work for gave me a gas card so gas was on me (err wait on my company).

We drove past Santa Clara(one of these days I'm going to have to stop and visit the town, it was very nice) and Gilroy (the garlic capital of the world - you could literally smell the garlic just driving through the town and there's a huge outlet mall out there, but sadly I didn't have the time nor the money to really check it out).

I stayed in Menlo Park which is gorgeous. Beautiful tree lined neighborhoods, landscaped parks and gardens, and tons of greenery. I love being surrounded by plants maybe it has to do with being raised in a tropical environment surrounded by plants of all kinds. Anyway it was such a nice break from my normal surroundings of asphalt and concrete and tons of cars everywhere. The other thing I loved about being up north was at night the sky was so clear I could actually see the stars. Not something I see a lot of living in L.A.

Visiting the family was fun cause I hadn't seen them in years. My family tree is rather complicated though and I always get a kick out of the relatives trying to figure out how it is that I'm related. Maybe it's a Chinese thing, maybe not, but once they find out that you're related (whether it be by blood or marriage) automatically all the older people become auntie or uncle and anyone who is near you in age becomes a cousin. I got to eat really good Chinese food. I mean really good Chinese food. I'm already making plans to go back up again in June. Hopefully I'll have enough time to spend the day in San Fran and visit my friend.

2004-05-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ancient Chinese Secret, huh . . .

This past weekend I went to the Pacific Asia Museum in Pasadena. Yeah, that's right I went to Pasadena even though it was like 90s degrees in the South Bay so you can imagine how Pasadena was. It was un-frickin-'believably hot. Anyway, the museum was nice and air conditioned so there.

The museum was nice. They have a lot of ancient Chinese ceramic art work, but I was telling my friend that some of the stuff looked too new for being hundreds of years old. I said "how do we know they didn't just buy this stuff from Crate-n-Barrel and make 'em dirty and put a card next to it that says this work of art came from the Ming Dynasty." Yeah they forgot to mention it came from Herbert Ming of the Ming Dynasty Chinese Restaurant of Monterey Park. Haha. They show it as being 1400 A.D., but for all I know it could be more circa 1995 Pottery Barn Spring collection.

2004-04-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

And when I get that feeling, I need sexual healing . . .

So I went to Century City this past weekend and while walking through Bloomingdales with a friend was approached by this totally greasy looking car salesman type of dude hanging out in the make-up and perfume section of the store. He says to me and my friend "Ladies, get ready to be introduced to the most irresistible fragrance known to man." He reaches for a perfume bottle and says "this fragrance was 5 years in the making, the designer originally created it for his wife, I just sold a bottle to Halle Berry."

He brings the bottle closer to us for our inspection. The name of the perfume is, are you ready for this, SEXUAL. Of course right away, a million rude comments come to my mind, such as "What is this a perfume for WHORES?" But I just look at this guy like "are you f*cking kidding me?"

He says to my friend, "No other woman will smell like you." She, unlike me, can't keep it in and goes "WHAT? I thought you said Halle Berry just bought a bottle so there IS someone else who will smell like me." He says "Well, come on you don't hang out with Halle Berry do you?" And she's like "No, but you said I would smell like NO OTHER WOMAN." HA! I turn to look at something at a nearby counter before he sees the smirk that's on my face.

He sprays some of SEXUAL on one of those tester strips and tells my friend to "close your eyes, what you're smelling is Egyptian Jasmine, think of Cleopatra seducing Marc Antony as he smells this intoxicating fragrance." This guy obviously was a wanna-be actor, no one lays the cheese on this thick unless they're in the "industry." Now he walks over to me and says "Close your eyes, do you smell the jasmine, there's undertones of vanilla, sandalwood."

He tells us the perfume actually contains natural pheromones to attract the opposite sex. Then he says "AND ladies if you buy this fragrance right now within the next 5 minutes, I'll throw in a free gift." WHAT is this a swap meet? When I go to Bloomingdales, I don't expect people to be all cutting me deals. I should have told him, "throw in that Kate Spade bag over there that I've been eyeing and you got yourself a deal my friend." Instead my friend speaks for us and goes "Thanks, but no thanks."

The thing that gets me is the name of the perfume. SEXUAL. Why not call it "Eau de Punani"? Or something equally ridiculous. By the way, it didn't smell that great either. It kind of reminded me of a car air freshner.

2004-04-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

So While You Sit Backand Wonder Why I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side Oh My, It's A Mirage I'm Tellin' Y'all It's a Sabotage

Dumb people, seriously, what is their deal? Sometimes I feel like I can't deal with them, other times they amuse me with their asinine comments and actions. Anyway here's some dumb people stories for your amusement.

Dummy Number One:
I told JustJenn that I had to deal with this dumb dude this morning. I had to call his office because our office needed an appraisal of a property for one of our clients. Easy enough right. Our office has never dealt with this particular branch office, but we were referred to them but another party with whom we deal with on a regular basis. So I figured I'd get the same cooperation and bendover backwards customer service I'm used to with the regular office I work with.

Anyway, this was not the case. The Jackass I talked to said "we have no pre-existing relationship with your office" and shit like "there is no incentive for us to do this work." Blah, Blah, frickity, blah, blah. So I just say "Okay, I'll let my contact person know your position." I'm thinking to myself I bet this guy is a total fat ass, sitting in front of his computer, looking for smut on the internet, picking his ears with his keys, and forgetting to wash his hands when he goes to the bathroom AND I bet he has mass quantities of body hair. This is what I daydream about at work. Haha. Anyway, not a total loss my regular contact person apologized for the guy being such a jerk and said she'd get me someone else with a little more class. Needless to say, if anyone out there is looking for a real estate person out in the La Crescenta/Montrose area give me a call and I'll be sure to let you know who NOT to go to.

Dummy Number Two:
This lady calls our office and guess what it gets referred to me. She needs an answer to a legal question. No problem, I'm a whiz at legal research (seriously, I am). She gives me her question and says "here's my contact number so you can give me the answer." I say "Sure, how did you want our office to bill you?" Silence.

"You're going to bill me?" she says. What the f*ck? Who the hell did you think you were dealing with the the soup kitchen at the Salvation Army? Her question wasn't some fast and quick answer that I could simply look up and quote her verbatim from some law passed by Congress, it was going to require some serious thought and research.

She says "Well nevermind, I'll just contact my local person here (she was calling from out of state) and they'll give the answer to me for free." Me, I'm like "okay." Inside I'm like, who the f*ck you think is going to do this for you for free? For real, this was a serious legal question, not easily answered and it had some tax consequences related to it. Whatever, but when you get audited by the IRS don't come running to me, which you probably will and knowing our firm, we will probably take the case and you'll end up paying through the ass for something you could have avoided were it not for your cheap ass ways. Trust me on this, I would say the majority of people who end up in an attorney's office do so because they attempted to cut corners and do things loose and quick rather than paying some real $$ to do things right.

Dummy Number Three:
"My employer pays me cash and I don't have a social security number so I don't have to file an income tax return right?" Ha! I'm not even gonna go into detail to what I said, but suffice it to say this was actually a friend of a friend and I thought this person was shitting me. I think I actually said to him "You're shitting me right?" Followed by, "Are you out of your f-ing mind?" And I finished up by saying "here's my business card, no take it, trust me, I think you may need it."

2004-04-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

Well it certainly does suck

Is it weird that I am so excited about my new vacuum? I picked it up last night since I got paid on Thursday. It's a bit pricey, but so worth it and it's self-propelled. If you have never had a self-propelled vacuum (like me) then you totally do not know what you are missing. The self-propelled feature makes vacuuming effortless. Wait I'm not done praising my vacuum so it has the highest amps available for the motor, yet it is surprisingly very, very quiet compared to the piece of junk vacuum I had before and my vacuum is bagless. I am in bliss. I was kind of disappointed my vaccum wasn't louder since I wanted to bug my irritating neighbor who wakes me up every morning by running his stupid garbage disposal. Who runs their garbage disposal at 6:00 a.m.???

My house feels so clean now. I had held off buying a vacuum for a while since I wanted a really good one and I'm glad I waited. On another note, I have ONE cat who amazes me with the amount of hair he can shed. He's not even a long-hair cat. I filled up half the vacuum canister with his hair alone (oh yeah that's another feature I like you can actually see how much garbage the vacuum picked up - awesome and gross at the same time).

2004-03-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

tick-tock you don't stop, to the ahhh tick-tock you don't stop . . .

I went to Westwood this weekend to meet up with a friend who I haven't seen in a few years. She recently got engaged and wanted me to meet her fiancee. So anyway, we met at the Starbucks by the theater and can I just say, Starbucks Vanilla Blended Creme is soooo much better than any non-coffee concoction I have ever had at the Coffee Bean. Damn, I'm addicted. I love me my coffee, but I gave coffee and ice cream up for Lent. You would think that giving up the ice cream would be harder, but I find that giving up the coffee was so much harder. Thank god Easter's almost here, I think I might celebrate by getting a venti latte and a hot fudge sundae and eat and drink them both at the same time.

I meet my friend and I apologize for getting my vanilla blended creme, but I explain that I was so hungry that my stomach was burning (since I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was already about noon). The original plan was to meet and then grab a late lunch, but I needed something in my stomach.
So my friend suggests that she and her fiancee get something and we can all just sit and chat outside of the Starbucks as it was a really beautiful day in L.A. The smog wasn't bad, the sun was out, and the weather was not too cold and not too hot.

My friend asks me what I'm drinking and I explain how I had to get a non-coffee drink since I gave up coffee for Lent. She says "I was wondering why you didn't have a coffee since you love your coffee so much." She tells her fiancee to get her a non-coffee drink, too and I ask "Did you give up coffee for Lent, too?" She replies "No, I have an ulcer and coffee just exacerbates my ulcer." So her fiancee says "Yes, no coffee, I will get you an iced tea."

Anyway I always think it's funny to watch your friends with their significant others just cause I think most couples have a level of comfort with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife that they don't share with their regular friends. For instance, my friend's fiancee comes back and he asks her (very nicely I might add), "Baby, do you want sugar for your iced tea it's unsweetened?" Up until then she and I were engaged in friendly banter and her tone was so pleasant, but she looks at him after he asked his question and barks "YES, I WANT SUGAR, I HAVE AN ULCER I'M NOT DIABETIC." Then she turns to me and our conversation, all normal like nothing happened only something did happen, right when she made her comment I was drinking my vanilla blended creme and I laughed. Anyway my drink went down the wrong way and tears were coming out of my eyes, but it was just so damn funny I couldn't keep it in.

I really had a lot of fun catching up with my friend and I have to say I was very impressed by her fiancee who was very doting and considerate of her. As you can tell from my story. On another note, the only other funny thing that happened that day was while we were crossing the street to get to Boba World (yeah I had Starbucks AND Boba on the same day - what of it?).

Right before the light changes for us to cross there is a Lexus in the middle of the intersection trying to turn left. There's another car behind the Lexus, it's a Mercedes being driven by a guy who easily looked like he could have belonged to the Mexican Mafia. He had tattoos for days, wearing no t-shirt, with a fu-manchu moustache and he's got his sunroof wide open.

All of a sudden, Mercedes man starts BLASTING his horn at the Lexus (who was yielding to oncoming traffic and couldn't turn anyway). Mercedes man was PISSED. Of course all the pedestrians are turning around to see what the commotion was, I turn to my friend and go "That guy has some f*ckin' nerve HONKING his horn, I should honk his ass for blasting COLOR ME BADD while he's driving through L.A." This tough looking hoodlum character is literally, cranking out "I wanna sex you up." I wonder what he listens to when he's not pissed.

2004-03-24T17:26:00.000-08:00

Upcoming shows for your viewing pleasure . . .

I have been instructed by JustJenn that I must "blog that shit." By shit, she means a recent e-mail I sent to Jenn during which the conversation turned to post-partum sex. Anyway here's basically what I had to say on the topic:

"For some reason, I have it stuck in my head that following childbirth the area "down there" is just this cavernous opening where you can put your spare change, a change of clothes and your car keys and still have room left over to put in a shoe rack. Sounds like a new MTV show "Pimp my coochie."

On another note, can I just say I have some serious concerns about my neighbors. First of all, the apartment below me faces the jacuzzi and pool. The residents of this particular apartment are a bunch of white people who are of the "Sublime" persuasion, by "Sublime" I mean they're these white kids, who wear chains coming out of their pants to their belts and have tattoos all over the place, much like the typical Orange County individual you would see at a Sublime or Korn concert. Anyway my point being is this, everytime I come home from work (be it after work OR when I come home for lunch) these people are ALWAYS HOME. Don't they work?

In addition, I'm also concerned with the fact that sometimes it seems that one of the Sublimeys and his girlfriend get a little too "frisky" in the jacuzzi if you know what I mean. Not that I care, I've always been of the opinion that pools and jacuzzis are just germ buckets. I wouldn't get into one unless I had one personally in my own house.

2004-03-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

And you see your gypsy

There's this lady who lives in my apartment building and she's always wearing long, flowly black skirts and mid-calf black high heel boots. She kind of reminds me a a poor man's Stevie Nicks. Everytime I see her, I want to go up to her and sing "Just like the white winged dove...sings a song...Sounds like she's singing...whoo...whoo...whoo." Would that be rude if I did?

2004-03-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

Elementary my Dear Watson

The weather is all "Hound of the Baskervilles" here in the South Bay. By that, I mean foggy like when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote about the fog rolling onto the moors in "The Hound of the Baskervilles." Southern Cal has got some really strange weather sometimes. Right as I'm about to leave work, I look out my window and the fog is super thick and visibility is poor, hence all the slow drivers making my short 5 minutes commute unforgettably long at 8 whole minutes!!!! I love living close to work.

Anyway I had to stay late because a client who's leaving for Hawaii tells me she wants her documents and blah, blah. So I tell her the office locks its door at 5:30, but if I know she's coming I'll be sure to have it unlocked so she can come in and pick up her crap. So she comes in and she's a bit hoity-toity if you ask me, but I patiently ask her myriad of questions, some of which she had asked me on the phone just the day before. I'm sure she's going to SCREAM when she gets her bill and sees how much time I've spent on her project, but seriously if you're going to call me up and blah, blah, blah me about questions I do have to charge for that.

Then she leaves and tells me "I'll have to get back to you after I review these." Hello, these same documents were sent back sometime in December why didn't you review them then. Seeing as she was going to Hawaii, I asked "Will you be going to O'ahu?" She says "Oh now, we're going to Maunalea something or other." Inside I'm thinking "Good she won't be on my island." HAHA. She says to me right before she leaves "I don't want to do anything, not even think." I'm like "Yeah that's a GREAT way to review legal documents when you're not thinking." Instead I say, "Sounds like a plan, have fun not thinking."

2004-03-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

Mr. Lovah-Lovah

So I went to San Diego this weekend to visit some friends. Mostly an uneventful weekend, except for my trip to the Coffee Bean off of the 5 at Via de la Valle. Normally, I'm not much of a fan of the "Bean" as I like to call it, but for Lent this year I gave up coffee (which I LOVE, seriously if I could somehow have an intravenous coffee feed, I'd do it). I also gave up ice cream, much to Jenn's chagrin. So I went to the "Bean" because while the coffee is totally WEAK, that's right I said WEAK, they do make pretty decent non-coffee ice blended drinks.

I went with my friend, Flat Tie-yah. For those of you who know her, you can appreciate her pseudonym. So I had my frequent drinker pink card out and told Flattie I could buy her coffee since I had one more hole punch to go. As this was also breakfast, I suggested she consider picking up some grub before we headed to the mall to catch a movie. Anyway the "BEAN" was soooo ridiculously crowded. Because it was getting so backed up the Coffee Beaners (i.e., the employees) were shouting to the people in line asking them what they wanted before they reached the cashier to speed up the ordering process. So I get to be 3rd in line with Flattie and there's this one dude in front of us.

One of the Beaners looks directly at me and says "What can I get you babe?" So I didn't care about what he said, the thing that really amused me was that the DUDE in front of me goes "I'll have a regular non-fat chai latte." HAHA, is that hilarious or what. The Beaner looks at the DUDE and goes "coming right up." So I'm waiting for the next employee to ask me what I want for a drink with Flattie and the SAME Beaner comes up to us and says "what can I get for you ladies?" Leading me to think maybe he really did mean to ask the DUDE in front of me what he wanted when he said "What can I get you babe?"

I couldn't help but laugh as I ordered my regular ice blended malibu dream and a non-fat white chocolate dream for Flattie and her plain bagel while I settled for the blueberry scone since they were out of chocolate chip. It's incredibly loud in the "Bean" so I suggest we sit outside to enjoy our beverages and mid-morning snack. We find a table in the sun (since for some reason it was pretty damn chilly in SD this weekend) and who should join us not soon afterward but the Beaner who made our drinks. He pulls up a chair to the table not far from us and is carrying a guitar case. He pulls out his guitar and a cigarette and starts strumming his guitar and singing while simultaneously smoking. This guy has got mad skills. His singing voice wasn't all that bad and he was a fairly decent guitar player. Anyway as me and Flattie were pulling out of the parking space, I glimpse back at our musical coffee maker and he's staring right back at me, looking kind of disappointed that we left in the middle of his serenade.

I kind of felt bad right then, but then I saw that the Dude who was standing in front of me when we were ordering was still there drinking his chai latte and I felt a little bit more reassured that the beaner would have the "babe" to sing to in lieu of our absence. I hope it works out for those two.

2004-03-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

I'm Only Happy When it Rains . . .

It's raining again. Woohoo. I love the rain. On another note, even though it's a Monday it didn't suck because I also got paid, but unfortunately rent is due today also so my paycheck isn't going to go very far. Damn this living from paycheck to paycheck crap.

I did have to do some mandatory shopping this past weekend though. I had to buy some catfood for my cat, so I decided to go to my local PetSmart. The people there are REALLY friendly and there was a lot of people because it was free dog training day or something. I saw a lot of cute puppies. I like dogs, but sometimes they're too rambunctious for me. Anyway I love when people ask me obvious questions, like the cashier at PetSmart. I put my bag of catfood down on the counter with a bag of cat treats and the cashier looks at me and says "Do you have a cat?" I was so tempted to say "No, this is for me, I find that the tuna flavor friskies are far superior to the sea medley blend." Anyway, I didn't say it.

Then since I was in the area, I went and bought some CDs at Towers, that's right I said TOWERS (also known as Tower Records). I bought the soundtrack to "50 First Dates" and if you love 80s music I highly recommend you picking up this album. Ziggy Marley does a kick-ass version of The Cars - "Drive". (Ziggy sounds exactly like his father by the way). I also picked up Beck's Sea Change album which is totally unbelievable. Seriously, that guy is a musical genius. The album is pretty depressing, definitely in the genre of "sad bastard" music. Oh yeah . . . and even though the tag on the CD said $18.99, when the Towers dude rang up my purchase it registered as $12.99 and even though he could have been a dick and changed the price to the sticker price the cashier guy was like "hmm, whatever." My kind of dude. He was probably bitter about having to work on a Saturday.

Oh yeah and my other most recent purchase, I got a new organizer/day planner, not that I have meetings or appointments galore, but my other one was totally tore up and falling apart and I mostly use it as an address book. I got my most recent one from Target, it's leather and has all these extra tabs to personalize my organizer. For instance, in the TO DO section, I have extra tabs for me to put "WORK" or "PERSONAL" as the instructions so conveniently illustrated for me. However, I like to personalize it so my labels are more appropriately designated as "DUMB SHIT" meaning "work-related" items or "IMPORTANT SHIT" meaning "personal." This way now when somebody tells me "Don't forget about our meeting on blah, blah, blah." I can respond "Don't worry about it, you're on my shit list, no literally, you're on my shit list." Not to say my work is dumb shit, but come on when it comes to prioritizing your personal and your work, don't tell me "Send letter to client" is on the top of your to do list when you have more pressing matters to remember like "Buy new Incubus CD."

2004-02-24T19:11:00.000-08:00

Opinions are like assh*les and everybody's got one

So one of the tasks I do at my new job is write a lot of opinion letters. Some of the opinion letters I've written have been kind of interesting, others have been total yawners. The tough part is having to break the bad news to the client. I've had one opinion letter in particular that has caused me much pain and sleepless nights. Anyway, I'm on page 13 and have just been told I have to elaborate more on a certain point, at this rate by the time I send it out to the client it will have surpassed being classified as a of letter and be bordering more along the lines of a novella. So because it's an opinion letter I have to weigh the pros and cons of a particular case/situation/etc., but part of me just can't help but want to put in some of my own non-legal verbiage, a.k.a. using layman's terms to get my point across. Something along the lines of "P.S. You're F&CKED!"

2004-02-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

California . . the Land of Fruits and Nuts

Wow, it's been a LONG time since I've posted, but with good reason. Namely, I got a new job and it wouldn't look too good if I were caught blogging on the company dime, plus being that I've started a new job I was pretty damn busy getting adjusted to my new surroundings and stuff. Secondly, I moved into a new apartment only with the belongings I could pack into my car when I drove back to California from Denver. Thirdly, I didn't have my computer. I really missed my computer.

Okay so now for some Figgy stories. Let me start by saying after I'd been in my new apartment for about a month, my sister flew out from Denver with my cat and also to visit L.A. I would have to say we had a lot of fun. So here's what we did. Since I'm in the South Bay, I figured my sister's trip could not be complete without a visit to those great, crowded, overpriced beach communities, i.e., Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach. I think my sister was just happy to see the ocean since she hasn't been back to Hawaii for at least a year and being that I was living in Denver I hadn't seen the ocean for that long either.

I also took my sister to the Soup Plantation since they don't have those in Colorado. I love the Soup Plantation, but I can't help but laugh whenever I go there when I see what people have on their plates. Specifically, the one little kid who passed me with a spoonful of corn and three croutons on his plate. I laughed out loud when I saw that.

On Superbowl Sunday, me and my sister went to Universal Studios and that was a lot of fun since I hadn't been there for a while. They were trying to sell us the annual pass, but come on Universal Studios really doesn't have that much to see or do, it's not like Disneyland. It was SOOOO empty at Universal Studios, but that was great because I'm not one for crowds anyway. No traffic driving up the 110 or the 101 that day.

After Universal Studios, my sister really wanted to go to Hollywood and see the Walk of Fame, but I just didn't want to deal with driving out that far and walking down dirty streets full of tourists. However, I do have plans to go out there soon since I hear they've opened a new Sex Museum. As if there weren't enough crazy freaks in Hollywood, imagine all the weirdos I can see just going to the Museum of Sex. I told my sister we'd save Hollywood for her next visit. Instead, we drove to Beverly Hills and looked at the houses and then we walked through 3rd Street Promenade and the Santa Monica Pier.

Anyway I'm still working on trying to get my sister to move out here once her lease is up in Denver. I just think she'd have a lot more fun living out here since, let's face it, there's just so much more to do in L.A. However, if she does move out here I think I may have to re-evaluate my current living quarters. For the most part, I think my apartment complex is pretty cool: it's clean, the neighbors are relatively quiet, convenient location, etc. The make-up of my apartment complex is fairly diverse, but consists mostly of older white people, many new Asian Transplants (a.k.a. FOBs), and some African Americans. A nice mix of folks which I appreciate.

However, can I just say I was seriously repulsed one day as I was taking out my trash. I lift the lid to the dumpster and staring back at me is the packaging for a product known as the "Anal Butt Wand." As if the name of this product wasn't colorful enough, the package showcased a naked man bending over, but was modest enough to strategically place something over his rump so that the pic wasn't too graphic. Subsequently, now whenever I pass a neighbor walking to my apartment I can't help but think to myself "Are you the sick bastard who bought that shit I found in the dumpster?"

2003-12-22T12:18:00.000-08:00

Merry Frickin' Christmas . . .

Hello my 3 loyal readers and my 1 occasional reader. No blogs lately, but hey deal with it, I've been busy. So what has the Figmeister been doing lately you ask? Well lots. Besides getting my new job, I agreed to take a temporary position at my old law school working in the alumni office. I'm actually temping in the position held by my friend who used to work in the reception area of my school where I was a workstudy, but I digress. So basically, I've been updating the system the alumni office uses inputting current addresses of past-alums. Not brain surgery for sure, it's actually a pretty cushy job (I've come to realize that I have a knack for getting really cushy jobs or maybe these aren't so cushy jobs and I've just gotten used to working at really shitty jobs, hmmm food for thought).

So while I do enjoy this temp job, I would like to add the following. I can't stand working with stupid people. I can handle lazy people although they do piss me off, but stupid people are another story. I like working by myself in general so when somebody tells me to do something and leaves me in a corner, that's when I'm happiest. The receptionist in the alumni office is stupid, sorry there's no gentler way to put it. She's just D-U-M-B, and by dumb I don't mean mute which wouldn't be a bad thing considering the fact that she likes to tell everyone her boring stories about her daughter and her various shopping trips. What makes me think she's dumb, well the fact that one afternoon I was put in charge of stuffing various alumni letters in envelopes which were to be mailed out the following Thursday. Not rocket science, but the receptionist felt compelled to give me "directions" on how to stuff an envelope, thanks but I think I can figure it out on my own.

Coupled with the fact that I've been moving stuff around the office because they're having cabinets put in and she keeps harping about the boxes and how many am I using or I like how she attemps to make it seem like she's helping me when she asks "so how many boxes do WE need?" It's hard for me to tell you how many boxes I'M going to be using when I'm not even halfway through since she was already planning on sending back some boxes. I also felt like asking "what the fuck you care how many boxes I'm using, not like you paid for 'em." Whatever. So now when she starts asking me something, I just shake whatever box I'm holding or throw shit on the ground to make a lot of noise like I can't hear what she's saying. Been working so far, see what I mean by dumb.

2003-12-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

I get knocked down, but I get up again -- you never gonna keep me down . . .

Sorry for lack of updates, but hey considering the fact that I know I only have 3 loyal readers who really cares right? So here's a funny story for you. When I moved back to San Diego my thoughts were - "hey it'll be easier to find a job down in SD because my law school is down there and alums try to hire their own." That and the fact that I had written off L.A. when I moved last year because I was pissed off with the job market at the time and decided going back to school was a better idea. Right before I moved to Denver, I was like "goodbye urban sprawl, goodbye smog, goodbye traffic on the 405, goodbye you dumb f*ckers who pay outrageous rents for ridiculously small apartments."

So when I moved back to Cali from Denver, I didn't really try to market myself in L.A., but out of sheer desperation I had responded to a job posted on monster and guess what . . . I got it. Not only did I get the job (which I am happy about), I will be working in the exact same area where I used to live prior to my move out to Denver. How's that for irony? Anyway I'm still laughing about it. That and the fact that I was so convinced I wouldn't get the job in L.A. that during my interview I asked for an outrageous amount of money thinking they would freak and be like "well thank you for coming but this really is more of an entry-level position" BUT no the partner just nods her head and says "okay" regarding my salary requirements. Anyway crazy right?

On another note, while L.A. does disgust me at times, I have to admit it does have its perks. Take for example, Venice Beach. Okay in my opinion, most people who go to Venice Beach are tourists, but during Thankgiving weekend I went up with my friend from San Diego and her roommate because they had never really been to Venice Beach and wanted to check it out. Her friend seemed to think it was cool, yeah if you're idea of cool is smelling burning sage, walking past $5 psychics, and looking at the freaks at Muscle Beach. She thought it was very bohemian, I guess that's code for "dirty and scary." Haha. Everytime a bum came up to us, I thought she was going to freak and spray him with her pepper spray.

Following Venice Beach, we made a trip over to the Beverly Center because they wanted to see if any "celebrities" (and I use that term loosely) would be there. We think we saw Kevin Smith better known as Silent Bob (or the Fat Dude who isn't called Jay). The roommate also wanted to go to Coffee Bean because she said it was an "L.A. thing." Really? How come I didn't know this? She said it's an L.A. thing because she always reads on E!online how celebrities like Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, etc. go there. To me Coffee Bean is just a weak substitute for Starbucks, nothing I buy there ever tastes like coffee. I like coffee drinks, not fucking creamy, disgustingly sweet smoothies (although frapuccinos are like that, but you can taste the coffee), if I wanted a smoothie I'd go to JambaJuice.

2003-11-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Joy Ride . . .

So I haven't blogged for a while, but with good reason. I finally moved back from Denver to San Diego. Anyway, the road trip was pretty fun. Long, but fun since I made my sister came along with me. The drive through Colorado was really beautiful and there were some interesting conversation pieces along the way. We passed through Loveland (the poor man's Vail for skiers) and also through some old abandoned looking mining towns. We also drove past a few places with names like "No Name Exit" and "No Name Road." Interesting. Also, if you are ever driving on the I-70 West you will notice that for almost all of the gas, food, lodging signs there are almost always ads for Subway. Weird. They must love Subway out in the boonies, but they had no love for McDonald's. What's the deal with that?

My sister and I also drove through and stopped in Silverthorne to put some gas. I only know the name is Silverthorne because that's what it says on my receipt from the gas station. We stopped at this one huge rest stop where we saw a whole bunch of semi-trucks and truckers heading to a restaurant near the gas station which also had a small convenience store. Anyway this might not be interesting except for that fact that the name of this establishment was Gay Johnson's. I'm totally for real. This just struck me as funny since all these burly truckers were walking towards the restaurant and can you imagine them on their radios saying shit like "hey Billy Bob meet me at Gay Johnson's for dinner." When I hear Gay Johnson's in my head images of men dressed like the Village People immediately appear, but maybe it's just me. For some reason, I couldn't call it Gay Johnson's though and kept referring to it as Gay Focker's after Ben Stiller's character in Meet the Parents.

Anyway I have much more interesting stories to share about my road trip, but it will have to wait for later. For future stories, consider my sister's observation about Utah which she described in the following sentence "Wow this place is WHITE" and no, she didn't mean it was snowing. Also, expect to hear about our experience searching for gas on what apparently could have been the locale used in Oliver Stone's movie "U-Turn" when we stopped at Beaver Creek in Arizona. We needed gas, but just one drive off of the main road had me saying things like "Let's take our chances at the next stop" to my sister. For all this and more, come back next week.

2003-10-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

Update: Mama's Boy II . . .

Last night as I was leaving my apartment to get into the elevator, who should step out of it but JEREMY. I guess he's in construction, he was carrying a bucket of somethin'. Anyway, who knew he lived on my floor? On a different note, dude has some serious B.O. Thanks for stinkin' up the elevator, Jeremy. So now I know you're an assh*le and have a hygiene problem.

2003-10-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

Mama's Boy . . .

Around 11:30 p.m. last night, I heard a commotion coming from outside my balcony. My apartment faces the parking lot and parked right in front of our building was a small, white car. I hear a woman & man screaming at the top of their lungs at each other and here's basically how it goes (I've tried to write this verbatim from memory):

Girl: "F*ck you, you dumb f*ck, you piece of sh$t, you ruined my life."

Guy: "What the f*ck are you talking about? You're f*cking crazy, you stupid dumb c%nt, you crazy bitch, get the f*ck out of here."

(Umm mind you he's sitting in the car and keeps telling the girl to leave meanwhile she's yelling at him to get the f*ck out of her car.)

Girl: "You don't love me, you ruined my life, I know you're f*cking ------ (inaudible). You broke my heart, you broke my life, this isn't how you treat someone you love."

Guy: "What the hell do you know about love? What do you mean I BROKE your life? You don't know anything about me."

(I'm assuming she must know something about him at least where he lives since she's parked in front of this building telling him to get his f*cking ass out of her car and go home. Also, I'm assuming they were in a relationship and that it was pretty intimate because she kept saying something about how he f*cks her but then sees other girls on the side or something.)

Girl: "What? I gave you everything, I gave you the best years of my life."

(Oh, okay they both look like they're about 18 years old -- she gave him the best years of her life?? -- hmm would that have been her junior year of high school?)

Guy: "You don't love me, you didn't give me shit. If you love me why the hell did you put a restraining order on me."

(By this time, I've opened my balcony window to better listen in because this verbal exchange was just too much fun. Restraining order? I think these people are prime candidates for the Rikki Lake show.)

Girl: "Who do you go out with when you were in Minnesota, tell me Jeremy (that was his name)."

(Also, Minnesota????? Wow this guy is a real man of the world, he's been to Minnesota!)

Guy: "What the hell are you talking about, you're so f*cking paranoid. I was with my friends is that a crime."

Blah, Blah, Blah. I had rented some DVDs from Blockbuster and I could already tell this fight was gonna be a while so I put a DVD in and got ready to watch, brushed and flossed my teeth, changed into my pajamas, washed the dishes left in the sink from dinner, and took out the trash. Needless to say, when I settled down to watch my DVD, the girl and Jeremy were still going at it, but now she was getting personal.

(At this point, Jeremy is up on the sidewalk with a cellphone to his ear).

Girl: "Who the f*ck you calling? YOUR MAMA, is that who you're calling Jeremy your Mama?"

Guy: "Shutup and get out of here, I just want to talk to someone and I want you to leave. What do you want from me? What the hell do you want from me?"

Girl: "You're a f*cking idiot Jeremy, tell me something is your mother in our relationship Jeremy, is that why you have to tell her everything. She thinks you're f*cking perfect, but I know the real you, you assh*le."

Guy: "You know what's wrong with you, you're (he doesn't say anything but just twirls his finger next to his head to indicate that this chick is one crazy bitch)."

Now she drives off. Finally, I'm thinking, but halfway across the parking lot, she stops and reverses back to the front of our buildling to start yelling at Jeremy.

The idiot gets in the car and the fight goes on and on. It was pretty damn hilarious, but by the time 12:30 a.m. fell around I was too tired to keep up with them and went to bed. It was like some street performance I was expecting one of them to end and the two of them to bow and say "And that concludes our performance of "Trailer Trash Romance", see us again next week Friday from 11:30 to midnight, thank you and goodnight."

2003-10-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Get in my belly!!!!!!!! I want my babyback, babyback, babyback . . .

My sister was working out one night and tells me this guy comes up to her and says she's doing her dumbbell curls wrong or something. He gives her all these fitness and weight lifter magazines for "research." So last night she goes to the gym and who should be there, but Mr. Olympia himself. He claims he'll help her train or whatever, and I've seen him a couple times in the gym (never working out mind you). I think he's trying to hook it up if you ask me, but here's the worst part, the dude is FAT. By FAT i don't mean PHAT as in check out my bling-bling and my mercedes-benz, but fat as in, I like country fried steak, KFC and pecan pie. Fat as in, have you ever parked a bicycle in an airplane hangar?

I went to the gym that night, too and saw this Fat Dude helping my sister train. Later she comes to my apartment and says "he seems to know a lot about weight-lifting" and I'm like "weight-lifting as in lifting heavy eclairs up to his mouth" then i'm all "That guy doesn't know jack about fitness." That's like asking Clay Aiken for tips on being a pimp.

This is what Jenn said in response:

"'Haaaaaaaa that is comedy. Did your sister say "you're so mean." Ha - that is classic.

Exactly - hey fat man - don't tell me how to improve my life. He's all, "I've got some nutrition tips for you - eat two twinkies and call me in the morning.'"

Yes, these are the things we write about to each other on a daily basis.

2003-10-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

And the wise man say I don't wanna hear your voice, And the thin man say I don't wanna hear your voice . . .

I came home and just as I'm walking to let myself in the building, I notice there's someone standing behind me so because I hate when people don't hold the door for me, I wait there until he's standing within reach of the door so he can come in. He says thanks and I'm like "sure" and inside I'm secretly hoping he lives on the first floor so I can ride the elevator up to my apartment alone. I'm weird like that. I hate when you're in a small confined place and people try making small talk, asking you lame questions like "how are you?" or start talking about the weather. I hate those conversations because honestly what would they do if they asked "How are you?" and I replied "I'm having a really shitty day! Thanks for asking."

Of course, the dude has to ride up the elevator and since I'm the closest one to the buttons I ask him "what floor?" as I push number 2 since I live on the 2nd floor. He says "Two works for me." Now starts the idle chit-chat, he asks "How are you doing today?" (wow how original). I'm like "Fine." He's like "Yep, me too I guess for it being a Monday." I'm thinking to myself -- does this person even live on my floor? So anyway the point of my story is this, why do people FEEL like they have to talk to you just because you're stuck in an elevator together, or because you're waiting in the same line in the bank, or because you're waiting to be seated at a restaurant. Maybe I don't feel like talking, maybe I want to just go to my apartment and to quote Jack Black from High Fidelity -- "listen to some sad bastard music." Anyway, this was my Monday.

2003-09-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

But enough about me, let's talk about you. What do YOU think about me?

The attorney I work for came back on Wednesday, but the firm also asked me to come in on Monday and Tuesday to help another attorney who's usual legal assistant was on vacation. So the attorney I worked for on Monday and Tuesday kept me SUPER BUSY, he apparently has a September 30th deadline to make. I didn't mind, it made the day fly and by the time 5:00 came around I couldn't believe my day was done.

On Wednesday, my regular attorney comes back and they had to call in another temp to work for the other attorney I had been helping out on Monday and Tuesday. Anyway, she was a bit odd. First she comes in and was a bit confused about who she was to be working for. She thought she was coming in to work with my attorney. We cleared that up and she went to work for the other one. Then later, she comes up to me and even before introducing herself to me she says "Are you looking to work her permanently?" I was kind of surprised by her question because I didn't know what she was getting at, like was she simply making conversation OR was she trying to stake a claim on this position, hoping it would turn permanent.

I told her that no I wasn't looking to make this a permanent position (heaven forbid, it's not a bad job, but come on I need to make "real" money). Then she says something about how she's been looking for a permanent position and wondering if they were going to make this temp position permanent and I'm like "Gee, I don't know." Anyway, ALL of a sudden she goes into telling me all about her PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE and how she's working on getting her Master's Degree in Telecommunications and basically she's reciting her entire resume to me. Maybe she was hoping I'd put in a good word for her or something. Later on, she starts telling me about her son and how he went to school and got a degree in criminal justice, but he doesn't have the personality for the job because he's too laid back and I swear she said this "and he just doesn't look the part, he has a very sweet face, just like you." Anyway, I can't stand when I feel like people are trying to kiss my ass. That's how it came across to me anyhow. I felt like telling her "look I don't make the HR decisions in this place so spare your compliments for someone else."

Whatever, anyway she was supposed to come back for Wednesday through Friday, but they told her she wasn't needed on Friday. Hmmm, I wonder why??? She seemed like a nice lady, but by Thursday afternoon not only did I know her entire professional career, I knew where she lived, that she used to work out of her home, but ended that because one of her employees got a key to the house and was stalking her, she has a niece working on getting her Ph.D. through Colorado state, her parents had died 10 years ago, the majority of her family lived in the Denver Metro area, she had another niece who was a nurse who recently just had a baby and blah, blah, blah. You know the funny thing is she fit all this in and I only talked to her TWICE during her entire time at the office and those conversations only lasted about 15 minutes each. I also don't think she ever got my name. I don't get it, these people who have this verbal diarrhea and tell you everything when you've only known them like 15 minutes (30 minutes in my case). Anyway, after that I tried to sneak my way around the office so she couldn't corner me and talk about herself more.

2003-09-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Oh What a Feelin' when we're dancing on the ceiling

Holy crap Poltergeist is on TV and I'm watching it and wondering why the hell I was so afraid of this movie. I remember getting grossed out when the guy peels his face off and then covering my eyes when Carol-Anne and her Mom fell from her bedroom closet to the living room and seeing them covered in that red jelly. I thought it was blood, but it actually looks like strawberry jelly now that I'm watching it. Now I'm wondering what I was so afraid of back then since the special effects look so FAKE in this movie compared to movies made today.

I remember when special effects were being used in music videos, too. Entertainment Tonight once did a story on Lionel Richie's video for "Dancing on the Ceiling" and how they made a revolving room so it looked like people were actually dancing on the ceiling, except they really weren't. Yes, this was a huge big deal back then. Hold on, I just looked up when Poltergeist was filmed, now it explains everything. I was like 7 years old when that thing came out. When you're 7 years old, you're afraid of everything. To this day I am still scared of clowns, damn you, Stephen Spielberg.

2003-09-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

What's bowling got to do with guns?

Jenn asked me if I was going to watch Bowling for Columbine. I wasn't sure, but Jenn said a lot of it was about Denver and I figured I may as well see it since I live up here. So I rented it. It was entertaining, but at the same time I was very skeptical about the agenda and intentions of the Director, Producer and Writer, Michael Moore.

The documentary basically is a commentary on America's obsession with guns, the violence of American culture and America's sensationalistic news media coverage. I guess my problem with this film is that Mr. Moore wants us to question what is fed to us through the media, the government, movies, and what-not. He presents a society that manipulates its citizens, suppresses the truth and convinces us that we are not safe. So here's my problem, with all that being said about how we shouldn't just accept what's being fed to us, I found it interesting watching the documentary that Mr. Moore is great at spitting out statistics concerning deaths in the U.S. because of guns, but not once did I ever see anything to back up his numbers. He never cites a source for his statistics, nor does he bother to tell you for what year his statistics are collected. For all I know, he could have been citing stats for 1998.

Anyway, I couldn't help feeling during the whole movie that maybe I was being manipulated. It's easy to get people to sympathize with your political viewpoints when you're showing grieving parents of students who died during the Columbine shooting or interviewing actual victims who are permanently affected. He's great at criticizing, but very vague on solutions. I wanted to ask him "okay I know guns are bad, so what should we do?" Give me a balanced argument, you're saying America needs to change the way it views the media, gun policy so show me some people who are working towards changing these things. I'm sure he's not the only person who is critical of gun policy and the news media in the U.S., but his one-sided style makes it lack credibility. Anyway, it is a pretty interesting documentary to watch.

Iron Chef

I fell asleep watching the Iron Chef. I wake up about 30 minutes later when the judges are busy commenting on the cuisine. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, but started listening to the ridiculous voice-overs.

This is what the Japanese actress said:

"Oooh, it's so tender in my mouth. Such a nice sensation. A bit salty, but I like it."

Needless to say, if I hadn't known what show was on TV and just listened to this dialogue I would have automatically assumed this was somekind of x-rated movie. The theme ingredient was lamb. I started to think, hmm have I ever had lamb? I think once I had ordered lamb when my French class in high school went to some French cuisine presentation at the mall. We had to order a traditional French dish, eat it and write a review en francais for our teacher.

So I ordered lamb, I don't think it was fully cooked. It looked pretty bloody to me and I ended up not eating it. I think the Chef saw the look of disgust on my face and said he would make me something else with beef. Anyway, to this day I don't think I've ever eaten lamb. Gee, I feel kind of deprived. Wait a minute, I take it back I think I have had lamb. It was at an all you can eat Indian buffet. I had some ground lamb, vegetable, curry thing and it was pretty damn tasty, even better than tandori chicken. As good as it was, I don't think it left a "nice sensation" in my mouth.

2003-09-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Chili 24/7 . . . .

My Mom just told me that a Zippy's Restaurant is going to be opening in Vegas sometime next year. Anyway that's the plan. I don't know if they're going to call it Zippy's though. What's so exciting about Zippy's in Vegas? Well it probably is only exciting to those local folks from Hawaii. Zippy's is a Hawaii restaurant specializing in local cuisine, i.e. saimin, katsu, loco moco, plate lunches, you know the rest. I must admit there are times when I could really use a nice big warm bowl of Zippy's saimin or Zippy's famous chili. Plus, Zippy's is open 24 hours a day. Awesome. Not such a big deal in Vegas where pretty much everything is open 24 hours.

Oh and then I read some story about how McDonald's is going to have Happy Meals for Adults. That's AWESOME. I'm totally going to buy me one of those. I hope it's in one of those little Happy Meal boxes they used to give with games for adults, oooh and toys. Supposedly, the meals are going to be healthier and include a pedometer or something. What the hell? I want useless entertainment, give me one of those completely incompetent gauges to measure air pressure on my tires or a keychain of the golden arches. You know stuff to throw in my junkdrawer.

2003-09-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Documentaries and 8 inches . . .

So all this time, I didn't realize how many channels I get through my cable provider. Turns out I also have the Discovery Health Channel that showed the craziest documentary last night, it was called Trash Can of Skin and was about this woman from England who lost 22 stone (that's 308 lbs. for the Americans). Anyway because she had lost so much weight, she had A LOT of loose skin and this documentary basically dealt with her receiving a "body lift" which is considered extreme plastic surgery.

The surgery is relatively new and isn't performed in the U.K. because it is apparently too dangerous so she had to come to the United States (aka the plastic surgery capital of the world) to get the procedure done. The man who has perfected this surgery surprised me too, no he's not a L.A. plastic surgeon, but instead he works out of . . . . KANSAS. Crazy. Her surgery was 12 hours long and she had 35 lbs. of skin and fat removed. Holy crap it was amazing. It also totally motivated me to go to the gym again which I did after watching that documentary, not because I have 300 lbs. to lose, but because I was thinking "holy crap I hope I'm never in that position." Damn these medical documentaries. They're so damn interesting but they revolt me at the same time.

So what about the 8 Inches I mention in my subject heading, well that's just because I also watched on Friday night, the most outrageous moments in Game Shows where they show all the bloopers. I find them hilarious. My fave involved Alex Trebek. Here's how it went.

Alex Trebek: "I heard you prayed for snow on your wedding day."

Woman: "Yes, I did pray for snow, but we didn't get any, but I got 8 inches on my honeymoon."

The look on Alex Trebek's face was priceless and the funniest thing was that the woman didn't even realize what she had said even though the other contestants were totally busting up. She essentially made one of the most reputable and long running game shows into "Porno Jeopardy." Classic.

2003-09-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

Only two things scare me, one of them is Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands . . . and the other is

Not finding a job in my chosen field. This article scares me, it was saying that unemployment benefits rose from 87,000 to 3.8 million at the end of this past June 2003. This is the highest it's been since February of 1983. Holy crap.

So because I'm desperate, I went to see the Director of my graduate program to see if he had any leads for me to try when I move back to California. Even though I submitted my resume more than a week ago, he apparently hasn't had time to get to it and suggested I try coming back tomorrow afternoon. Great, thanks for putting the students as your first priority. Whatever. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I'm not working this week because the attorney I work for is out of town. I'm sure it's going to take me at least a whole week to try and see my Professor. He's done this before, tells me to come back the next day, doesn't have time to see me, tells me to come back the following day, doesn't have time to see me, eventually I just give up but what do I have to lose this week. I'm free the entire week.

I'm not the only person he's done this too. My other friend actually said she went everyday for almost 2 weeks and finally managed to see him. He gave her a list of names to contact here in Denver (we're talking 3 pages worth of names, that's about 50 people). She sent her resume out to each and every name, some of them didn't even live in the area anymore or were dead (at least that's what she suspected because she got letters returned to her unopened and apparently undeliverable). She said the few people who did bother to respond to her job inquiries were rather put off by the fact that the Professor is giving their names out as contacts as they haven't hired anyone new in the past 5 years or so or they didn't want to be bothered by job searching students. Needless to say, my friend was not amused.

Anyway if this doesn't work, I guess I'll try the alumni office at my other school. At least, I know they will try to help me and won't turn me away whenever I go there. Unlike my present school, my former school has their shit together, you can actually schedule an appointment and they WILL make time to see you.

2003-09-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

Dave Matthews is Weak

This morning I was watching MTV news and Kurt Loder reveals that Dave Matthews is launching a solo album to be released later this month. What the hell is that about? I thought he had a band already, isn't the name of his group The Dave Matthews Band. I always thought artists go solo when they can't do the type of music they want to do with their regular band, i.e. Belinda Carlisle and The GoGo's, Ric Ocasek and The Cars. Dave Matthews can't even stand up to his own members in a group named for him to tell them what kind of music he wants to make. What a pussy.

2003-08-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dumb School 2: Electric Boogaloo

So the new school building is still under heavy construction, but I was told the library was supposed to be open on Monday, August 11th. Just to be sure so that I didn't go through another ordeal of walking around aimlessly for an entrance, I called the library to check if it was, indeed, open. Much to my surprise, someone not only answered my call, but informed me the library was open to the public.

I ask, "So what time do you guys close?"
The girl from the library replies, "Uhhhhh, I don't know."

Hahahahaha classic. She works there, but doesn't even know the hours of operation. So she says "If you call back in an hour, I can get you that information?" AN HOUR, it doesn't seem like that hard of a question to answer, but whatever. Instead I tell her it's okay, I'll just drop down there myself.

So the new library, sure it's going to be gorgeous WHEN IT'S FINISHED. As it is, there's crap everywhere, construction workers are still installing paneling and other shit and there's loose screws and nails all over the floor. I didn't stay long, I couldn't study with all the noise. Before I left, I thought I'd use the bathroom, BAD IDEA. First off, the bathroom wasn't even done, there was dust and loose fixtures laying down on the floor, but that wasn't the worst of it. The light turns on automatically, I guess it has one of those motion sensors. So that's all fine and dandy, but while I'm peeing the frickin' light goes out. It's me, in the dark, peeing. What's the deal? So after I'm done, I figure when I get closer to the sink (by the light switch) maybe it'll go on. No such luck. Instead I have to open the door to let the light from the library help me to see the sink so I can wash my hands. Nice.

2003-08-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

Shout, Shout, Let it All Out . . .

My school recently changed campuses. Not a big deal, except when you're still having classes and the professor tells you classes are in the new building. By new building, I mean brand-spanking-new. The building is still in construction and set to open 2 weeks from now. I get to campus within 10 minutes of the start of class, the first thing I notice are the "No Trespassing" signs all over the new building as well as "CAUTION: Construction Site." They're everywhere, but I know classes are in this building because for crying out loud the Professor said it would be.

I walk to the South Entrance -- doors locked, walk toward the West Entrance -- doors locked with tons of CAUTION tape as I walk through unfinished sidewalks and recently set cement (I should have drew a portrait of myself at the time, it would have been just of my hand -- giving the finger), I walk to the North -- no entrance there because that's where the parking garage is, I walk all the way to the East Side by now and still everything's locked. By this time, I notice another friend of mine who is completely as lost as I. We proceed to start slapping our palms against glass windows, pounding any door in sight, hoping someone will let us in.

"I have an idea," I say. My idea was -- go to the parking garage and see if we can get in via the elevators. Great idea!!!!! We get to the elevators and I'm hitting the UP button, but guess what, elevators aren't functioning at this point, but across the lot we see a bunch of cars so we deduct the elevator by those cars MUST be working right? Well, yes (kinda). We get into the elevator and it actually worked, but for some reason the door wouldn't close and neither of us were anywhere near the door so it wasn't the motion detector keeping it open. By this time, there are two guys walking towards the elevator, who I recognize from my class. The minute they get within 2 feet of the elevator, the door starts closing so I stick my arm out, thinking oh the door will automatically open because now the motion sensor will pick it up, BUT NOOOOOOOO the door actually proceeds to close and I quickly retrieve my arm before it got severed at the elbow.

So now, my friend and I have finally reached the new office for my major and they tell us "No classes aren't being held in this building yet, because the chairs haven't been delivered, didn't you see the signs saying it would be held in the building across the way?" Well fuck, how the hell am I supposed to see these SIGNS POSTED IN THE HALLWAY when I can't even get into the goddamn building!!!!!!!!! By this time, the two guys who missed the elevator ride up have also reached the office. My friend is telling them "Sorry we tried to hold it for you." Meanwhile, the two are sweating like pigs and panting like they just ran the Boston Marathon when in reality they just walked up ONE flight of stairs.

I finally make it to class, a half-hour late, totally pissed. To top it off, I miss the entire part of the lecture where the Professor actually tells us what is on the final exam next week. Great! We should do this every week!!!!!!! Motherfuckers.

2003-08-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

I Have Been Accepted by the Tribe

Talk about coinky-dinks. Not only did I find the dead guy in the parking lot, his family is here moving away his belongings and guess what . . . HE LIVED DIRECTLY UPSTAIRS FROM ME. I knew he lived in my building, but I never would have imagined he lived upstairs from me. He was a fairly quiet neighbor. Anyway, it still freaks me out.

On another note, I'm back at my regular temp job and they love me there. I got a key to the office. Wooohoooo. No more having to hike to the reception area to get the bathroom key. Now I can enter all stealth like through the back door which is closer to my cubicle anyway. I also got a call from my temp agency saying that the insurance defense law firm wanted me to come back and work for them on Monday. Thankfully, I was needed at this office. I also told the attorney I work for that I was planning on taking the 2nd week of August off to study for my finals, he said "Oh well that's fair." What a great guy. He also complimented me by saying "you do good work." Well the truth is, he doesn't ask very much for me to do and for the most part I play on the Internet or study. So basically I'm getting paid to sit there, can't beat that.

2003-07-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's a Dead Man's Party, Who Could ask for More . . .

I don't know if this blog is appropriate, but I've gotta write this down. So as if the beef barley barf incident wasn't enough at that temp job I had on Monday, on Tuesday I found a dead guy in my parking lot in front of my apartment complex. I'm dead serious (forgive the pun), this isn't a fictional story for your entertainment this is a true life.

So this is the deal, Monday I come home around 5:30 from my temp job and I noticed a green Ford Explorer parked next to me. I wasn't really paying attention, but I did notice that someone was in there and I figured either the guy just got home or was about to leave to go somewhere so I didn't think anything of it. I knew the guy lived in my apartment complex because I'd seen him around a few times. So anyway cut to Tuesday morning, I'm getting into my car to go to work when I glance over at the green Ford Explorer next to me and the dude is still sitting in his car. Only he was very still and his skin color was kinda ashy looking. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and I also didn't want to stand there looking into someone's car. I was thinking "maybe he's just asleep or he leaves for work around this time, too and this is just a total coincidence."

So I drive away, but when I get at work I'm still thinking about it. I call my sister, who also happens to live in the same apartment building as me and I tell her "I think there's a dead guy in the parking lot." Of course she assumes I'm joking and she's all "Whaaaaaaaat? hahahahahaha, YEAH right." And I'm like "no for real, when you go downstairs look at the green Ford Explorer, if the guy's still in there go tell the people at the leasing office." I call my sister later in the day and she tells me that the only one in the leasing office was the maintenance guy so she says "Ummm, there's a man in his car and he looks dead." The maintenance guy says "Which car?" and my sister tells him. His response, "Oh, I think that guy's a bit of a drinker, maybe he's just passed out." He goes up to the car and starts tapping on the glass and my sister said from where she was standing she could see that the guy looked pretty blue. The door was locked so they ended up having to call the paramedics because the maintenance guy apparently thought this guy was just a "deep sleeper."

Anyway, my sister had to leave for work by then, but when she comes home she's talking to our neighbor who said the coroner showed up and so did the police and they removed the body. They're figuring it was a heart attack. I was thinking "how long was that guy there?" I mean I only noticed him on Monday for all I know he could have been there ALL weekend. His Ford Explorer is still there, I guess they're going to have to notify his next of kin. Needless to say, this week was been crazy. I feel like I'm in a fucking David Lynch movie, what the fuck? Am I going to find a severed ear in a field tomorrow morning? Who fucking knows? Not to make light of the situation, but of course I had to tell all my friends. My one friend tells me "You sure it wasn't Bob Hope?" I know, a totally inappropriate joke, and I hate to admit it but it did make me crack a smile.

2003-07-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living . . .

So my regular temp job didn't need me for the entire week, therefore, the temp agency found me another temporary job. I only had to go there last Friday and today. What is the deal with these people who get temps, but having nothing for them to do? Anyway, I was glad this was a short assignment because this law firm wasn't all that. Firstly, they did insurance defense and I don't like that kind of stuff. You know how they have people who are music snobs, well I'm a law snob, there are certain areas of law for which I have total and utter disdain for, this being one of those categories. Secondly, their coffee sucked, it was bitter and cheap, much like the cologne one of the male attorneys in the office wore. Thirdly, even though they had the latest version of Microsoft Office, it didn't seem like anybody really knew how to use it, this includes the paralegals who have been working there for a while. I wasn't about to offer any tutorials, but they seriously could have improved on their organization if they would take the time to learn their own software. On the plus side, I did get to sit by the window and look out at the park down below.

I saw a man walking a beautiful Akita dog. Then he pissed me off when he let the dog take a piss on somebody's parked car. It made me so mad and it wasn't even my car. It's just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I think they should make it illegal to let a dog piss on somebody's car, especially since the dude was in the park and there were more than enough trees for the dog to do his business on. Then as if I wasn't grossed out enough by witnessing the dog pissing on car incident, I go to the women's restroom and someone had thrown up, literally, on the entire floor. It looked like they had eaten barley and beef soup. Thoroughly disgusted, I walked down a floor to use a clean bathroom. Thank God that job was temporary. What a nightmare!

2003-07-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Just Eat It, Eat It, Eat It, Eat It, Don't You Make me Repeat It

I read this story on Yahoo yesterday. Basically, according to a government report, American children and far less violent and far less likely to get pregnant as teens compared to the figures in the past. However, the number of obese children is almost doubled to what it was 20 years ago. I'm no scientist, but I think I can explain this.

As far as violent crimes go, how you gonna rob the local Pizza Hut when you can't even run from the scene? Plus, with McDonald's dollar day deals, who needs to steal money when you can get a tasty Big Mac for like a dollar. There's just no incentive for these kids to steal to support their fave past-times, namely eating if you go by this study. Okay teen pregnancy, well let's face it, if you're super fat, you're unlikely to get any if you ask me, but hey like I said, I'm not a scientist.

I also see that the government is trying to fight the war on fat by promoting healthy eating habits and enforcing stricter regulations on companies for posting the fat contents in their food. George Dubya Bush's administration will be forever memorialized for fighting the war on terrorism and the Whopper with Cheese. Awesome.

2003-07-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

The freaks come out at night, The freaks come out at night

This song is so right. So because I normally get out of class late at night, there are occasions when I have to go shopping late at the 24-hour Super Walmart down the street. If you are looking for some laughs, go shopping at about midnight and see what kind of characters you can find at one of these stores.

Take for example, a certain incident that happened when me and my sister decided it wasn't too late for some rice pudding and beef jerky (don't eat 'em together, not tasty at all). In line in front of us is a guy trying to buy some cigarettes, in front of him are 2 Middle-Eastern gentlemen (not that this fact has anything to do with the story). The 2 Middle-Eastern gentlemen were purchasing 6 loaves of bread, 6 liter bottles of Orange Soda and that's it. Who shops like that? However, inadvertently (or was it) there was a pair of red panties behind their pile of soda and bread. The cashier rings it up with the other items to which the one Middle-Eastern man exclaims LOUDLY "Those aren't mine." The cashier is like "Ohhh, sorry." I guess she figured hey if they're buying orange soda and bread maybe these guys are into kinky shit, too.

So the cashier turns to the man in front of me and my sister, the Cigarette Guy and asks him "Are these yours, Sir?" What the hell was she thinking? She must have been high or something. The Cigarette Guy goes "No" but he wasn't all wound up and yelling it out loud for the store to hear so that no one would think he was a transvestite like the guy in front of him. I wished the Cigarette Guy had said something funny like "No, I only wear thongs." That would have been funny.

2003-07-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

You know that we are living in a material world And I am a material girl

I got my rejection letter from my interview out in California. I knew it. You know just how you "know" something. My response -- "whatever." Hahahahaha. I wasn't impressed with them anyhow, quite frankly I thought they were dicks, but enough about that. At least I got to enjoy some quality time in California.

So of course, I tell my friends about my "loss?" actually maybe it's a blessing. My one friend tells me I need to find a "good man" who will pay the bills and keep me happy. I was like "hmmmm interesting." Any takers out there? I must warn you though guys I like my freedom and I need a lot of it. Plus, I'm kinda expensive, I won't ask for stuff much, but when I do ask for something I expect it to be nice. That's just me.

I was very happy to hear that the law firm I was temping at wanted me back so I got to work there this week. On top of that, the parking lot I normally park at downtown went down $2 bucks. That's a saving of $10 a week. Love it! More money I can spend at Starbucks. They also asked me to come back next week, too. Gee, at least somebody out there likes me as an employee.

On another note, I don't quite get the premise of
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

So it's a collection of literary figures who are heroes and supposed to save the world. Isn't one of the literary figures Dorian Gray? How is he a hero? I've read Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray and he's not a very nice person. I don't know maybe it has to do with the fact that in the novel he's a MURDERER, but now in the movie he's a good guy. Don't get it. But seeing as how it is crap, I may have to watch it for the delight of Mr. Rusty Lau -- who loves to vicariously see crap movies through my reviews.

2003-07-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

Simply the Best, Better than All the Rest

Displayed in the hallway of my school are large framed pictures of the class graduates. Most of the pictures are unremarkable, guys dressed in suits and ties, women dressed in career attire, but there is one particular picture from the Class of 2002 that sticks out. The guy in the picture wears glasses and his hair resembles a mohawk, except it's not shaved on the sides, but looks more like he kinda just woke up and didn't brush his hair and it just happened to all stick up only in the middle. He's got a half-filled in goatee, patchy and sparse around the jawline (much like Keanu Reeves when he tries to grow a goatee). However, what really makes this picture stand out is the fact that rather than dressing up for his portrait, this guy chose to wear a Megadeath t-shirt. Wow, this guy's my hero.

2003-07-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm Melting

Happy 4th of July!!!!!! It's unbelievably hot here. Not hot like Las Vegas hot, but hotter than I'm used to living up here in the Rocky Mountains. I don't think I'm made to live in high altitudes. I was telling my Mom when I was down in San Diego it was great, my skin didn't feel so dry and taut, my allergies were better, I didn't wake up with a dry throat, I didn't have to apply chapstick several times a day and I didn't have to deal with crazy static electricity making my hair stand up on end.

While I was down there, I went ahead and bought the new Harry Potter book. I read the first 2 books, but not the third or the fourth and Jenn says it's cheating to read the fifth without reading the other two, but I started anyway. I wanted to read it since everybody's saying it's the best Harry Potter book ever. I also bought High Maintenance by Jennifer Belle which is hilarious. I love this book, I'm about halfway through. It's set in New York so right away I'm digging it. You know how people say New York City is the best city in the world, well I would tend to agree. New York is awesome. Everybody should visit New York City at least once in their life. There's so much to do there and it really is a beautiful city.

I didn't get the chance to read my books on the flight from San Diego back to Denver. The flight back was a nightmare, partially because my departure was pushed back for 2 hours, but also because the woman sitting next to me was a complete grouch I guess because of the delay. It was a bummer being delayed and all, but I wasn't going to complain since they had said the plane had some minor maintenance problems. Well I was like, take all the time you need to fix that because I'd rather arrive late, than not arrive at all. Plus, they gave us free food coupons to eat in the airport and I got to watch Direct TV on the plane.

I got to watch VH-1 Classic and got to watch "Heartbreak Beat" by Psychedelic Furs and listen to "Big Country" by Big Country, then they ruined it by playing "Heaven's on Fire" by KISS. They were doing so well and then they let me down. I was waiting for them to show "And we Danced" by The Hooters, but no such luck. So the reason I didn't get to read my book was because the grouchy woman next to me was rather large and I didn't want to make an attempt to get to my carry on and grab my book since she was already ribbing me through most of the ride on the plane. Even though they say the plane seats are roomier, don't believe the hype. I fit nicely in my seat, but it's when you sit next to larger people that it gets to be uncomfortable as with the grouchy lady sitting next to me.

Oh well, she bitched most of the way, but thankfully the flight was only an hour and forty-nine minutes. How did the lady choose to deal with the predicament? Well she ordered 2 bloody marys and silently mumbled to herself the whole way back and also proceeded to watch Court TV the whole way, occasionally switching to the Home & Garden Channel. Cut to me arriving at the Denver International Airport at 2:30 a.m. That's right 2:30 a.m. and I still had to get my luggage. I got home and into bed by around 3:30 a.m. And the good thing was, my class was cancelled the next day so I could just sleep in and be a bum for all of the next day.

2003-07-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

With my mind on my money and my money on my mind

I'm back from my wonderful, short trip to beautiful San Diego. So seriously, I never thought I'd say this, but I actually missed San Diego. I left early Monday morning and was spared from airport security going through my carry-on bag. The line to the get to my gate was another story, but it surprisingly went faster than expected. The weather in San Diego was perfect, it was a cool 67 degrees when I got into the airport. I caught the shuttle to my rent-a-car place and soon discovered how I got such a great deal for my rental car at less than $25 a day. The rental car place was small and by small I mean it was a parking lot with about 20 cars and a tiny little hut that was the office.

I was given a Chevy Cavalier that must have been at least 3 years old and had over 50,000 miles on it. So this car must have seen it's share of road trips to TJ and Rosarito because it smelled of beer, cigarettes, and a heavy dose of car freshener to try and mask the smell (it didn't work). It was pretty plain, a radio, A/C, but no tape deck and no automatic windows. So after adjusting my mirrors (by hand -- I had to roll down my window to get to the outside mirrors and adjust them manually), I was supposed to somehow maneuver my way between the car parked in front of me and the car in back within a space of about 6 to 8 inches. A tight squeeze, but I managed it.

Then I was off to my usual hangouts, that being my fave little mall in UTC. I had time to kill until Cindy got off from work. The next day I was off to Irvine for my interview and left early to check out apartments in the area. I endured the one hour drive up the 5 to the 405 without the benefit of even being able to catch a decent radio station on the Cavalier. Hello, the only station it could receive was the Christian rock station and I'm sorry, but I have never been a fan of Amy Grant. The apartments in Irvine were beautiful yes, but SOOOOOOO expensive. I checked out 3 of them, all smaller than what I currently have, but all more than double than what I'm paying now. Oh well such is life.

Then it was off to my wonderful interview. Now, I feel that I have been on my share of interviews, but this interview was definitely the most unusual. Interview 1: started after I had taken some really lametests and was then greeted by 2 people who were to interview me, a guy & a girl. I refrain from using names to protect the innocent. My first question: "So what are you about?" As vague as this question was, I felt like saying something dumb like "I'm into long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, and deep conversations." I figured the question was just to try and get to know my interests so I was honest, I said "I'm not a triathlete and I'm on a student's budget so in my free time I'm usually at the mall, I watch movies and like to read." There, a concise, succinct description of my likes and "what I'm about." Whatever that means.

Then my interviewer asked me what I knew about the position and I explained I had looked up the company's website and tried to get a general feel of the place. He says to me "yes, our website does a very good job of summarizing what it is you'll be doing." Ummmmm, FYI your website doesn't, in fact it didn't even have the address of the branch offices on it. I know I checked. Quite honestly, with the limited knowledge I have of HTML, this website quite frankly is very amateurish, like somebody's side project, I've seen blogs more sophisticated than this website. Other dumb questions were asked, not in the way I'm accustomed like "What do you feel are your strengths and why do you think you would be a good candidate for this position?" He basically said something like "is there anything you'd like to add that we haven't discussed here." Seeing as how, we didn't seem to have discussed ANYTHING, yes I had much to add.

So I said that I felt one of my greatest strengths is that I feel I am able to work with a variety of personalities and that even if there are personal differences I am able to push aside personal feelings and work with an individual to get the job done. I thought that was a pretty good answer. Needless to say I was not impressed by my interviewers. In my opinion, a good interviewer comes in, introduces himself or herself and also tells you what department they work in, how long they've been in the company, what it is they do and whether or not you will be working with them. This guy told me his name and that's it, for all I know he could have been the Sparklett's water delivery guy. He dressed like he was one. When I asked a question about salary, he said he couldn't answer that question because he was not HR. Hello, well why didn't you tell me who you were with in the first place. To be quite frank, I thought this guy interviewer was a complete ass. He didn't make small chit-chat, such as, being personable and trying to get to know me.

Another thing I found quite rude was I arrived at 1:00 p.m. for my interview and not until 2:40 was I offered a cup of water. I'm a potential employee and as such I expect the company to put their best foot forward to make me want to work there, but if this is how they treat potential candidates, I can only hope they are more receptive to their potential clients. To make a long story short, upon leaving the office my opinion was pretty much made when I decided that even if this company wanted to hire me, if they're not going to offer me some serious coin there's no way. I will not compromise with them in terms of salary. Not because I don't need a job, but because the place just didn't excite me. I didn't feel like there was an opportunity for me to really learn much or specialize in a particular area. To quote P. Diddy, for me to take a job at this company it's really "all about the Benjamins."

2003-06-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to Cali

I'm ready for my trip back to California. I leave on Monday and come back Wednesday night. Wooohooo. I've got my itinerary set, I pick up my rental car (love rental cars) when I get it and then I get to kick it until Cindy finishes work. Tuesday morning, I'll maybe drive up early for my interview because I've already got a list of possible apartment buildings I may want to live in if this job happens for me. Let's pray that it does because student loans are gonna be in full effect once graduation happens.

So originally, I was planning on only missing my two classes I have on Tuesday, but last Thursday I wasn't feeling that great and my one professor is B-O-R-I-N-G. I mean really he makes the idea of watching paint dry almost appealing in comparison to his lectures. I think he's a very nice person, but he's just not interesting to listen to. He likes to write on the board and consequently rather than facing the class when speaking he looks at the board the whole time. Class is also 2 hours straight, it starts at 7:40 p.m. and ends at 9:40 p.m. AND he doesn't give breaks. This seems a little extreme to me.

If you don't let us have a break, at least let us out maybe 15 minutes earlier than the scheduled time. The other thing that drives me totally crazy is how I'll think he's done because he'll say something like "well looks like we've made it through another class." Then he'll pause for like 15 seconds, during this time I've already packed up my books and retrieved my car keys, ready to go home. BUT, nooooooo, his pause ends and he'll say "so summing up, blah, blah, blah." And he'll continue to talk for another 5 minutes. I think he does it on purpose. The best part about his class has got to be when we go over review questions and he becomes Ben Stein in that scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off when he says to the class "How many of you agree with blah, blah, blah??? Anyone, Anyone???"

2003-06-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

I like that ole time Rock-N-Roll, that kind of music just soothe the soul

See when I get a job that appreciates me, I flourish. So the lady in charge of the office at my temp job comes up to me on Tuesday and asks if I'm available to work next week from Monday through Thursday. I told her I would have loved to have worked there, but that I was going to be out of town. So this was supposedly my last week, but when she signed my time card she says "how about the week after next, will you be available?" and of course, I said yes. I guess the attorney I work for must like me. He's a pretty cool guy, he likes to pop his head around the corner by my desk and say stuff like "How we doing coach?". I have no idea what he's talking about so I just smile and nod my head. Seems to make him happy. He also says things like "I'll try to stay out of your way." cause I guess he doesn't want to be a burden, but I don't mind at all. He seems to think he's computer illiterate, which is completely untrue since he catches on pretty quickly. To this day, I haven't been able to get my mother understand how to attach a file to an e-mail.

What I like about this place is that I don't have to work the full week, sure it's less hours and pay, but sometimes it's nice to have your week days free to do the important stuff. You know important stuff like going to the DMV. I had to go to the DMV and register my car and I have to say it wasn't an unpleasant experience partly because there was NOBODY there, but I attribute that to the fact that I got there before the lunch hour. Then it was off to Tower records. I don't make a lot of money, but I deserve to treat myself every now and then. I bought the new Liz Phair which is totally excellent. I highly recommend it and I also bought SocialBurn which is also another great album. I also happened to notice all the punks hanging out at the Tower Records. I guess when you're too young to drink and too old to go to Chuck E. Cheese the next coolest place to be is the local Tower Records. So anyway they're grooving to the new music that's popular today, like that group Evanescence, I heard their stuff, it's alright, but I don't really dig it. When I came home, I was watching TRL and seriously I was not impressed, the only songs I liked were Ashanti and 50 Cent, but the other punk-alternative boy bands, they're all trying to be like Sum 41. Does this mean I'm old? I guess so.

2003-06-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

Every Rose has its Thorn

I haven't blogged much in a while because I got a new temp job and things have been hectic. So here's the update:

The Good News
My new temp job is da bomb. I love it. It's only for 2 weeks from Monday through Wednesday and the pay is a little less than what I was getting before. Why is it so great? Well basically I'm working as the secretary for one of the partner's at a pretty nice law firm and being as he's the head honcho of the joint whatever he says goes. The first two days of my assignment I had very little to do besides word processing and he was really nice about it. He also asked me about myself and learned I was in school so when there was absolutely nothing for me to do, he says "Well I don't have much for you to do today so why don't you just study." Is that cool or what?

I also don't have to answer the phones for him and I have my own work space, away from everyone else so nobody's even watching what I'm doing most of the time. I have internet access so that's great for checking e-mail and dealing with the boredom and this is what really sold me on the joint -- they have awesome gourmet coffee. Don't underrate the power of a good cup of coffee, I've had the good and I've had the bad and the coffee at this place is "da schiznit". It's French vanilla derived from a blend of Sumatran and African coffee beans. I told you, I know my coffee. Everyone in the office is really nice, too. I wish this job could last through the summer because even though I took a slight pay cut, I really enjoy the environment. Hopefully, they'll need me for a while longer.

Another great thing that's happened. I got an interview for a job in California. I go out in about two weeks and it sounds like a pretty cool place to work. Also, I'm about done with Colorado. Rocky Mountains are overrated if you ask me. Hopefully, by the end of this summer I'll be able to say "so long Rocky F*ckin' Mountains, Goodbye Crap Weather, and F*ck You to the administration of my school." Seriously, I'm not even staying for the graduation ceremony, come on it would be like the 3rd ceremony I've gone through and where's the fun of that.

The Bad News
So while most everything seems to be looking up for me, of course there is a downside. My financial aid is totally f*cked and when I called the office to speak with an advisor she was a complete and total f*cking asshole. What a mega-bitch. Anyway, now I've got to do a whole bunch of new paperwork and re-submit all this shit and it just drives me crazy how the people at the financial aid office seem to always blame the students. I mean I could understand if say I was the only person who had problems, but I've talked to other people in my program and EVERY single person I've spoke with has told me their own personal horror story about the frickin' financial aid office. I seriously was so mad I wanted to go down to that office and speak to the mega-bitch or at least see what kind of car she drove and key the shit out of her ride. I was that pissed. But forget it, if I get that job I would be totally stoked and I can say with all confidence I don't think I'd miss Denver much.

2003-06-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday the 13th

I didn't even know it was Friday the 13th until I turned on the television and saw that TNN is having an all day Friday the 13th marathon. I always thought the reason Friday the 13th was an unlucky day was because Jesus died on a Friday and he was the 13th person to sit down for the Last Supper. Anyway I found this pretty cool page on urban legends and stuff and it had a whole section devoted to the superstition of Friday the 13th. For instance, did you know that the fear of the number 13th is actually called Tridecaphobia. I was not aware of that. I also learned that Fridays, in general, are considered unlucky. That sucks. I was born on a Friday. Want more??? Click here.

I also found this pretty cool website where they talk about the end of the world and how ALL the predictions have turned out to be wrong so far. Now why is it that the media will always hype the predictions, but never talk about them after the date is passed. I think they should then people wouldn't be all panicked and crap. Like with the Y2K thing, I remember watching on the news how people were withdrawing all their money because they thought the whole computer system would go down and they'd have nothing. I had a little more faith in technology. Anyway, the next end of the world prediction is for October 17, 2004. That's more than a year away. I've still got some time to live it up.

2003-06-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

These Things Amaze Me

So I've been talking to my old friend from high school, Andrea. She informed me that the skinny skater dude she used to have a major crush on in high school is now a popular DJ in Hawaii. What's the deal with that? That's the 2nd guy I know from my high school days who is now a DJ. I also found out that Fountains of Wayne have a new album out. Does anyone know who I'm talking about? Anyway if you missed their self-titled 2nd album, it's too bad because they are acutally a very good band. Apparently, this new album is supposed to be the schiznit.

I'm also totally waiting to watch that new reality show on the WB Boarding House: North Shore. It's about 7 professional surfers, all living in the same house. Anyway my interest is in seeing Sunny Garcia, who just happens to be from my side of the island. I want to see some moke action come to life on this show since I've heard he's kind of a hothead. I've been watching Surf Girls on MTV and that show kind of bites, still entertaining, but not as much fun as America's Next Top Model.

2003-06-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

So as soon as I quit that job, I come down with a cold. What does this tell me? That job and my finals were stressing me out and probably that I wasn't getting enough sleep. So I took one final on Monday and spent Tuesday and Wednesday trying to get some rest and recuperate from my cold. I had to go to Target yesterday, however, for some kleenex, throat drops and Dayquil. So I have 5 items in my basket and head for the express line, my Target has 2 different express lines, one for items of 6 or less and another for people with items 10 or less. I chose the 6 items or less line.

The lady in front of me has 2 children with her and blatantly has more than 6 items. She solves this problem by giving her son (who couldn't have been more than 6 or 7) some money and separates her goods into two piles. Her son's pile consists of some cheetos and snack cakes, her pile consists of batteries, the VHS of Spirited Away, those sugar pixie sticks, some other candies and such. I was thinking what a great racket, what if you did that at all express lines, like you have like 40 items, but go in the 10 items or less line and just separate your stuff by 4 piles and paid for each one separately. Technically, are you really breaking the rules? Technically, you're not really breaking the rules, but you've probably managed to piss off everyone behind you.

So anyway her son pays for the cheetos and snack cakes and immediately hands over the change to his mom -- who by now is paying for her stuff. While waiting for his mom to finish her purchase, the kid starts swinging from the closed register next to us by swinging I mean he was grinding up against the register and then swinging low to the ground, doing splits and stuff. Quite frankly, he looked like he was doing some-type of stripper pole dance using the counter of the register instead of an actual pole. Inside I'm going "Lady this is Boy George in the making" -- not really looking at the kid, but just more observing his mannerisms. I take a good look at him and he's wearing PowerPuff Girl flip-flops and (for real) toe polish -- at least it looked like his nails were painted. He also had extremely long eyelashes. I thought "oh well then, maybe this kid's a girl", but the mom says "DANIEL cut that out, let's go kids." She said DANIEL not DANIELLE. I couldn't help but smile and think to myself -- someday that kid is going to make a fine drag queen and he's going to be FIERCE. I also was thinking his mother's pretty cool herself the way she circumvented the 6 items or less rule and also the way she lets her kid express himself -- be it dancing like a stripper or experimenting with toe color. That's pretty revolutionary.

2003-05-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

Show Me, Show Me, Show Me, How You Do that Trick

I just came back from the gym and I feel great. They put in a new treadmill and freeweights in our clubhouse, re-painted the room, and installed new carpet. I will certainly miss this apartment complex when I move. I also got an unexpected e-mail today from an old friend. I listed myself on Classmates and got this message saying that someone had posted a message for me to read. It turns out it was one of my best friends from my freshman year in high school. I haven't talked to her in almost 8 years. I wrote back and she e-mailed me right away, telling me how she just got married this year and has 2 children. It made me feel very old. Anyway she's still living in Hawaii so when I get back there someday I promised we'd hang out.

Talking to her made me start to reminisce about high school. For the most part everybody seems to look back at high school with some degree of heartache, regret, and discomfort. Not me, I loved high school. I had lots of fun in high school and if I had to do it all again, I don't think it would be such a bad thing. So me and my friend, Andrea (the one who e-mailed me), we became fast friends mostly because of our love of the same music. Freshman year in 1988 was all about MTV's 120 Minutes and such great bands as Sisters of Mercy, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, The Cure, INXS, The Stone Roses, The Soup Dragons, The Beloved, Erasure -- I could go on and on, there was some damn good music going on back then. Andrea later moved to Indiana, but we still kept in touch throughout high school and most of my college years. I'm sure, like me, she still has some of the mixed tapes we made back then. Yep, those were good times.

2003-05-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Celebrate Good Times -- COME ON!!!!!

I did it, I quit my job. I told you I would. The time had some, I was just not enjoying it and the stress I felt with trying to make it to class on time and with my upcoming finals was too much. Surprisingly, no one seemed to take it too badly. Everyone was quite frankly pretty accomodating and understanding of the situation. I spent so much time stressing about it and turned out wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be. It feels good. I slept in, woke up late, read my e-mail, worked on my notes from class, had some breakfast, took a leisurely nap, and finally got up and went to school to try and get some quality studying time in before finals. I should have some money coming my way which should hold me over until I get my student loan money.

This isn't to say that I still won't try and find a job, but I just need to work for someone more accomodating and sensitive to the fact that there will be days I will have to leave early to study for my classes. I had told the woman at the Title Company I had finals next week and she said it would be no big deal, but I could tell by her tone and look that it was a big deal and I wasn't really digging my work environment anyway. On top of that, they wanted me to start answering the phones while the receptionist was away. I got to thinking, cumulatively I have over 20 years of education -- that's 12 years of schooling, 4 years of college, 3 years of law school, and 1 year of my post-graduate studies. That's a lot of education that I felt would be wasted answering the phones and that job wasn't going to open any doors for me anyway -- so what's the point really.

My cat seems to like having me back at home now. I feel more rested and less anxiety now that I don't have to deal with rush hour traffic in the morning. Feels great. So I may or I may not find another job in this town, but like I was telling Jenn right now I have the excuse about "school is my priority" I may as well use it for all it's worth because I won't be able to when I graduate this summer. It's not like the classes I'm taking are easy, show up whenever you feel like it classes, my studies are actually quite demanding. Besides, if I worked full-time, went to class in the evenings and then worked out late at night, when would I have time to blog and watch crap movies. It's all about priorities.

2003-05-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Malt, Hops, and Bullshit

I stuck it out with my crap job, but trust me I could quit at anytime and not feel bad about it. I was talking to a friend at school, who like me was looking for legal work. She got no bites and was actually going to work at Ann Taylor, but then changed her mind about it. There's a certain freedom about being in school and living off of student loans that one can't truly comprehend until you're in that position. Another thing about student loans, they make you budget like a motherf*cker. I swear to you, I can stretch what I would make in one paycheck from my old job for about 3 months. Is that ridiculous or what? I hate my job, but call me shallow when I say, I like the money. From what I've been told, I make more than the permanent people who work there because I don't get benefits.

So today I got out of work early because we finished what we had to do and truthfully I don't give a shit. The frickin' stop light goes out and traffic is backed up for a long, long way. Apparently, the electricity went out about 2 p.m. and it's now 4:45 and I'm sitting in my car cursing the city that is Denver. For Christsakes, fix that damn light assholes. I told Jenn, this city is all malt, hops, and bullshit. Why? Because they love the beer, if you do visit Denver, go see (or better yet smell) the Coors factory, actually located in Golden, Colorado. That place stinks, if you wanna know why, take the tour. Ask for Felix. That guy loves his job, he's a tour-guide for the Coors Beer Factory and he loves his job -- in my opinion he deserves a medal or a CAT scan to check if there's any bleeding in the brain going on. Who knows maybe he likes the perks associated with his job like the free beer, all the free beer in the world wouldn't make me like my job.

I'd like to give a special shout out to Mr. Dick Lau for his very generous donation to the crap movie fund. I have finals next week so it'll be a while before I can give you "the craps" as Mr. Lau so eloquently puts it.

2003-05-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

Cat Scratch Fever

So here's an update on my lame temp job, let me start this by saying it's a title company and basically my office handles the closing of purchases of homes or refinancing of homes. The entire office is composed on women only, but occasionally one of the other male closers from a sister office will drop by. As can be expected, an office full of women means having a pretty catty atmosphere. By catty, I mean that they love to gossip and some of them are real back-stabbing bitches. The other thing I hate is that, truthfully, what I do is basically a glorified administrative assistant position, so some of the women in the office must assume that all clerical employees are dumb or something so they feel the need to condescend when they talk to you.

Anyway, I am being trained by another lady who is leaving because she's had enough of the catty-ness and she's a paralegal who has several years of experience working on a variety of cases and she only took this job because she thought it was legal related when all they really have us do is data entry, file management and receptionist duties, yet they specifically go to the legal placement agency to find temps. My Trainer also said the position will never be permanent because the company is too cheap to hire them permanently and have to pay for their benefits.

So I started the job on Monday and on Tuesday one of the closing agents comes to me with an address saying I have to report there for training on Wednesday morning. They didn't even inform the temp agency which they are supposed to do if they send you off the premise, but I didn't make a huge deal out of it because the training office was actually closer to my apartment. I actually liked the training office a lot better except they were trying to teach me and a few other temps about how to arrange their files and I wasn't really paying attention because I could care less, this is admin work and I was hired as a legal professional. Right then, my second thoughts about this job came back. Another thing that pissed me off was that the lady at the training center tells me "you're training is gonna be about 2 days" but nobody from the office where I am assigned said shit about training or that I would have to be there for 2 days so I didn't know where to go for Thursday morning.

I called my temp agency and told my recruiter if she knew where I needed to go. This is when I found out she had no idea I was in training and she couldn't ask my question. So I call Junkfood Lady who is like the manager of at the catty-office, or as I like to call it Bitch Central and she's in a staff meeting and I just end up leaving her a message. I also had class that night so I didn't get home until like 8:00 p.m. and she leaves a message saying I'm supposed to come back to Bitch Central for Thursday. So what did I do today, a lot of faxing and making of labels. One of the bitches had her assistant talk to me about the labels saying they had to be all in CAPS because it's easier to read. I was like "bite me."

Most of the assistants are alright, but one of them rubs me the wrong way because she has this real snotty, attitude and everytime she makes a statement it's like she expects you to say something like "wow that's impressive" even though there's nothing impressive about her. So today, other people are ordering Chinese food and when they pass the menu to her she says something like "it's hard for me to eat out because I'm a vegetarian", like she wanted us all to know how she's a vegetarian and better than us because she doesn't eat meat. My issue with that is -- first of all, so what you don't eat meat, that doesn't make you better than us, secondly -- what the hell are you talking about you can't find stuff to eat, most restaurants offer vegetarian choices. My last objection, she's fuckin' fat -- a fat vegetarian ----- puh--leeeeeeeeze. Let me place a visual picture in your head to understand what she looks like -- she's like Lisa Loeb, except without the musical talent, the geek style and about 60 lbs. heavier. Yes, that's it exactly she's Lisa Loeb -- the fat version.

Anyway that's the place I've been assigned to, I'm seriously considering calling my recruiter and telling her forget it, but I'm torn, the money is good, but do I really need to be subjected to this shit? Give me some feedback people.

2003-05-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

Kill 'em with Kindness

One more thing about my new job, the girl who sits next to me is one of the real estate closers and very young. She's like 21 and I hear the only reason she got the job is because her mother works in the same office and you know the whole nepotism deal. So she's calling the bank on one transaction asking about the funding and when the money is going out. This is what I heard of the conversation, she begins with "Hi Greg, I was just calling about the blah-blah transaction . . . Oh I see, oh okay . . . I was wondering about that . . . That's great . . . Oh my God, you're super, fantastic . . . uh huh . . .great I'll look for the paperwork to be here tomorrow . . . thanks Sweetie, you have a great night, okay bye, talk to you later."

The moment she puts the phone back on the receiver she gives a big sigh and goes PRICK!!!!!!! Nice. Hey people, I only work with the best in the business and if being the best means kissing up to you and then talking shit about you behind your back well then I think this office is doing a fine job. Oh yes, the people in my office are professionals of the highest caliber.

2003-05-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

The supervisor who eats tons of mayonnaise at work now has a nickname, I call her Junkfood Lady. This morning, one of the guys in the office goes into the kitchen and grabs a handful of cookies and starts munching on them. Junkfood Lady tells him "Cookies for breakfast, why are you eating that crap?" This coming from a woman who coats her food in mayonnaise. She has some nerve lecturing him on good eating habits. So she is nice and I heard from the lady whose job I'll be taking over that she's never seen her yell or get mad at anybody in the office and that if you have a problem she'll really work with you to resolve it or help you with your workload. I think that's great, however, she's perpetually cheerful and I find that irritating.

At 8:00 a.m. in the morning, nobody should be bouncing off the walls, telling everyone in the office what a great job they've been doing. Hello, I was here for one day and for the most part what I did was send out FedExs and photocopy -- it's not rocket science. Then there's the opposite of Junkfood Lady, the receptionist. My nickname for her is the "Oh-God Lady" because she begins each sentence with "Oh-God". For example, "Oh God, I have to make coffee again" or "Oh God, the paper tray is empty" or "Oh God, why is the phone ringing so much" or "Oh God, there's dirty dishes in the sink already" (mind you it's like 4:30 p.m. well after the time people take lunch and also probably the first time I've seen her walk into the kitchen all day). Between cheerfulness and whining, I'll take cheerfulness. The lady who is training me is awesome, very patient, very funny, and very honest about how the office sucks. I'm beginning to see that, but hey man I just got a new car and that car payment is coming up soon. Besides the pay is decent for now, but once I'm out of school I'm gonna have to get paid for real to payback all these student loans.

Another thing about Denver that sucks ass . . . car insurance. It's a no-fault insurance state and guess what my insurance is more expensive here than when I was living in L.A. That is ri-GODDAMN-diculous.

2003-05-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Things that Gross Me Out

I started a new job and the lady who is my supervisor is nice and all, but I can't watch her when she's eating. Today was my first day and I thought I'd have the lunchroom to myself since I took lunch later than the other girls, but the supervisor's son-in-law to be came to have lunch with her. She was also using him to stuff envelopes for his upcoming wedding to her daughter. He brought lunch with him and what is it that the supervisor was eating? It was a cheeseburger -- it was huge and with lots of cheese, but that wasn't enough for her. She walks to the refrigerator and pulls out the bottle of Miracle Whip and proceeds to COAT thoroughly each side of the hamburger patty. I hate mayonnaise, but the amounts she was putting were too much for me, she even put it on top of the cheese. Uggghhh sick. I don't eat red meat either so just the thought of all that fat was stomach churning. She loves the condiments though because she then decided to layer on some mustard and tons-o-ketchup. I could feel the indigestion and I didn't even eat the thing.

Another thing that grosses me out, the gym hog who stays on the treadmill all the livelong day and sings at the top of her lungs, with her eyes shut, and her head tossed back -- Lady in Red by Chris DeBurgh. If she starts singing Michael Bolton, I'm gonna punch her in the face. It's pretty embarassing to let other people hear you sing in public, especially if you're not much of a singer, but if you're going to sing crap beware of the repercussions. And the thing is, she's listening to her CD player while she's singing, so you know she went in to the record store and spent good money on buying that shit, if I was the cashier and saw her approaching my register with a Chris DeBurgh or Michael Bolton CD I'd look them in the eye and say "Seriously?"

2003-05-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

F.O.B.'s

Three new girls moved into the apartment complex, they don't live in my building, but they live next door. I don't mind them moving in and all, but I do mind them using the gym since they tend to monopolize all the cardio machines. They always travel together, this group of 3. When I go to the gym, one is on the stationary bike, the other on the elliptical machine and the worse one is on the treadmill.

Why is she the worst? Because she'll stay on it for an hour and keep going even after the hour is up. Plus, they leave their keys in the machine so it seems like they're using it when they step outside, I could careless, I just use the machine anyway. So my sister comes back from the gym all in a huff because the 3 girls were there and I say "Oh you mean the F.O.B.'s?" And she says "How do you know they're F.O.B.'s?" Well namely, they're Asian and don't speak English very well, but also because who wears fluorescent orange shorts with fluorescent green shirts? No American I can think of. I told my sister next time to offer them something from "Hello Kitty" or maybe a "Little Twin Stars" pencil case, see if that will get them off the cardio-machines.

2003-05-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Home Sweet Home

Mom left to go back to Hawaii today. She had an early morning flight. While we were driving there, she says to me "Oh all the things I've seen in Denver, I like Denver International Airport the best." I ask, "Why?" She says, "Because seeing the airport means I get to go home and this place is boring." Then she tells my younger sister, "Don't buy a place here, Mommy will never come visit, once is enough."

So what was it about this place she didn't like, well first off the weather. The weather was really ass in all honesty. When Mom first arrived on Wednesday it was about mid40s, then that Friday it snowed, not a light snow that melts away by morning, but 7 frickin' inches of snow in the Denver metro area. Saturday the snow melted off, but by Sunday it was frickin' hot. These drastic changes in weather coupled with my lack of sleep resulted in me catching a cold, not a fun way to spend time with Mom especially when she wants to see the sights.

I do think Mom had fun though and seeing her made me feel homesick for Hawaii so I'm going to see if I can find a flight home when I'm done with school, at least for a little while since it's been about 2 years since I've been back. Not that Mom didn't manage to bring some aloha with her in the form of a one gallon size Aloha Shoyu chicken, assorted cracked seed, macadamia nuts (plain and chocolate covered), and of course a few extra pairs of rubber slippers. Too bad Mom still isn't here, she didn't even have time to make some won ton soup for us. Damn it.

2003-05-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Chinese History 101

I haven't posted in a while since I've been busy with Mom. So Mom really wanted to go to the Denver Mint so we set aside Thursday afternoon to experience the joy of money-making. We left the house at about 11:30 a.m., hoping to avoid traffic and that the weather would clear up since it rained earlier in the day and was a pretty gloomy and overcast day. We get downtown and of course parking is a nightmare, but we happen to find conveniently behind the Mint a parking meter. The parking meters in downtown Denver will only let you park there for 2 hours at a time, so I used up all the quarters I normally saved for my laundry and we walked towards the visitors entrance on 13th Avenue and Colfax. The Denver Mint runs parallel to the Denver County Building and so there were a lot of cops around.

We get to the entrance and my Mom is pulling on the gate, but it's not opening. On top of that, I notice that the Mint seems to be pretty dead and I don't see any other tourists or visitors around. I notice, however, a large metal sign posted on the gate that says the Mint will give free private tours for parties of 6 or more provided that you contact the Mint and make arrangement two weeks prior to your visit. So we were out of luck on this day. My Mom perturbed by the situation as she was really looking forward to the visit, looks up to the security camera and shakes her fist at it saying "Hey, you stupid." Luckily, no officers were around at the time to notice and possibly arrest us. So with two hours on the parking meter, we set out to find another way to kill some time. There was the Quizno's across the street, but I wasn't hungry because I was coming down with a really bad head cold and also I needed to use a bathroom like STAT.

Luckily, for us the Denver Art Museum is conveniently down the street from the Mint and I'd never been there so we decided to give it a whirl. Admission is a reasonable $4.50 for students and $5.50 for adults, but if you go on Saturdays it's free. NOTE: If you are a tourist in Denver always ask for the student price because nobody checks your I.D.'s up here. I even do this in San Diego, but they'll make you show I.D. unless you can talk your away around them. A really good ploy in this situation is just to dig through your purse or wallet and let a huge line build-up behind you, eventually leading the cashier to give up and just say "it's alright ma'am, I'll give you the student rate." Hey, a dollar saved is a dollar earned. We didn't immediately go buy our tickets, but instead went to the restroom first since I really had to go. It was pretty clean and when you wash your hands under the automatic faucet a recording starts singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Having almost two hours to kill, me and Mom bought out tickets and decided to start off with the Contemporary Art exhibit on the 1st floor. The Denver Art Museum (or DAM as they call it) has 7 floors of art. Mom wasn't feeling the contemporary stuff, but there was one drawing in CRAYON of a man picking his nose by an artist named Bruce Neuman. The reason I stopped to look at this particular drawing was because of it's title which was "Eating Buggers", but he probably really meant to say "Eating Boogers". Come on that's funny. There was also another exhibit by a female artist, who I sadly cannot remember, but she had a really great exhibit of 4 purple velvet dressing robes that hung from ceiling to floor and just struck me as being really interesting.

Next up, the Asian Art Collection. I figured Mom would enjoy this because perhaps I didn't mention it, but Mom is from Hong Kong and spent some of her childhood years living in Mainland China and I think she gets a kick out of seeing stuff from the old country. Surprisingly, their Asian collection was rather extensive and had a lot of really ancient things such as silk imperials robes worn by the Dowager Empress and other really important Chinese people. During this time, my Mom got to tell me things about the Chinese Dynasties, such as the Han Dynasty, which ruled China for thousands of years and the Qing Dynasty. I learned that my Mother's family were members of one of the dynasties and for some reason or another were exiled by the Emperor and forced to roam from place to place under fear of persecution. She said this is why our tribe did not bind the feet of the women. This explains my extraordinarily large feet, thanks to my Chinese ancestors realizing the need for functioning feet when you gotta haul ass.

So picture it, me and my Mom walking through the Asian art collection, my Mom supplying her own guided tour complete with requisite Chinese accent as we pass from piece to piece she says "Europeans were still eating with their hands when Chinese already had writing and high culture." Yeah, I understand this, but come on to this day Chinese people still eat with sticks, why couldn't they have invented forks????? Then for no reason whatsoever, maybe because we passed by a huge collection of Chinese serving bowls my Mom turns to me and says "Ai-yah, I going teach you how to make char siu and mapo tofu." I think my Mom thinks that Chinese cuisine is the best in the world and she would lose face if I couldn't make some decent char siu or didn't know the correct method for making lo-mein noodles. I may not know Chinese history, but she's going to make damn sure I know how to cook Chinese.

2003-05-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Mommy-sitting

My Mom is in town and we've been having a great time. So far we've been to the Denver Botanical Garden, the mall, two movies, another mall, the grocery store, and the mall. My Mom has done a lot of shopping for herself and today we went to Mervyn's because they do not, as of yet, have one in Hawaii. She also opened an account with Mervyn's thus obtaining a 15% discount on her shopping purchase.

We had to stop at the grocery store and you know how it goes. When you enter the store, nobody's in line, but when it's time for you to check out, everybody and their mother has decided they're going to check out, too. I figured we didn't have much we'll go through the Express lane, well things were going smoothly until the register locked up on the cashier warranting a call from the Store Manager who was probably somewhere in the back sleeping or taking a dump since it seemed like forever before the manager he could drag his ass to the front of the store. By this time, however, another cashier came up to my Mom and myself since we were next in line and said she could handle us at the next register. There were also two women behind us, dressed with veils covering their heads and long flowing dresses. My Mom tells me "Let the sisters go." I thought to myself, how does she know they're related. Then I realized what she was really saying, she thought the women behind us were Catholic nuns!!!!! I was like "Hell no, nuns or no nuns, we were next." So as we're walking out of the store, I turn to my mother and say "you know those weren't really nuns." My Mom replies, "Oh really, but they were wearing veils." I answer "Ummm, I think they were Muslim." My Mom sheepishly says "I was wondering why they didn't look like penguins." My Mom's here all week folks. Tune in next time for another episode of Figgy and her Mom.

2003-05-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

I Just Don't Know What to do With Myself

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately and although I really wanted to see a movie this weekend, I didn't because my Mom is coming to town and I didn't want to see something she might want to see later this week. So these are the things my Mom wants to do when she gets here:

1. The Denver Mint -- I've never been there so should be cool, but the best part is admission is free.

2. Shopping -- My Mom wants to go shopping because she says everybody wears the same thing in Hawaii since everybody shops at the same stores, i.e., PearlRidge and Ala Moana. She has a point.

3. The Denver Botanical Garden. Why? Because my Mom likes plants and truthfully so do I so this is something I'll like to do also.

Of course, we're going to visit the campus of my school and all that boring stuff, but her coming got me to thinking about what else we could do while she's here. I don't know if she'll be into visiting the Coors Brewery. We probably will visit the Denver Zoo because that appears to be one of the main attractions here. So as I was thinking about these things this weekend, I also realized the following:

1. I thought San Diego was boring, but I was mistaken Denver wins hands down. Just kidding, it's not all that bad here, but trust me it is slower than San Diego. Or if you like -- think of it this way, Denver makes Seattle look like Las Vegas.

2. I'm addicted to beef jerky, no really. I love the stuff and I don't normally eat red meat.

3. The Tower Records off of 1st Avenue and University Blvd. here in Denver sucks ass. How many times you gonna play the frickin' soundtrack from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou -- goddamn hillbillies. I know it's won awards and sh*t, but I wasn't digging it back when it came out in 2000 and I'm not digging it now in 2003.

4. On another note, the new album by the The White Stripes --Elephant is da bomb. I'm not even exaggerating, it is in my opinion one of the best albums I've heard so far this year, especially my new favorite song "Seven Nation Army". They also do a killer remake of "I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself, the song Cameron Diaz massacred during the karaoke scene in My Best Friend's Wedding.

5. Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal look really similar and both for some reason irk me, maybe it's the doe eyes.

2003-05-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills, give you anything you want -- hundred-dollar bills

I take it back my downstairs neighbors as noisy as they are, can't be all that bad. They were playing Dramarama last night so now I think they're semi-cool. We'll have to see though their musical taste is all over the place. If they start playing Genesis, Foreigner, or The Theme Song to St. Elmo's Fire, I'm outta here.

2003-05-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

The only thing I don't like about my apartment is my downstairs neighbors. They moved in about 2 months ago. Prior to that the apartment had been vacant for about 4 months, I think the previous tenants were evicted because they threw really loud parties and were constantly playing Eminem's 8 Mile Soundtrack, ALL DAY LONG. When they moved, it was great, so quiet and peaceful.

So now the new neighbors are here and, apparently they love AC/DC since they let me know this every morning at about 11:00 a.m. I'm wondering if they have jobs or what, I'm a student so my being at home during the day isn't that uncommon but I don't know about these people. I'm tired of hearing You Shook Me All Night Long and Thunderstruck. There should be a law that says you are not allowed to play the same song more than 3 times in a row on one day.

2003-05-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

Looking Good Mr. Kottttter!

I had an appointment downtown. It's for a temp position. Not an interview exactly, I had to get tested on word processing. Lame, but whatever. I think I did alright, the cool thing is that it pays really well and they pay you if they have to train you. On top of that there is a Starbucks downstairs which is always a good thing. Part of me hates Starbucks for being so commercial and EVERYWHERE, but then again part of me just can't say no to the Caramel Macchiato. So I get downtown and, of course, parking sucks, but I find a relatively close meter and get to my appointment. I swear to you, the test didn't take me longer than 15 minutes. They said they'll grade it and get back to me. I'm not holding my breath.

Okay so here is the highlight of my day. I guess the 'fros are coming back because I've been spotting them around with the young kids lately. As I drove home, I saw a white guy wearing a 'fro. Really, he kinda looked like Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter. What if he modeled his hair do and personality after Juan Epstein? Maybe he showed up at work with a note from his mom saying that he wouldn't be able to work all day signed Epstein's Mother. That would be funny.

2003-04-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Now is the Time to Catch Up on Reading

If you go to the Yahoo newspage, they have a section called Oddly Enough that is basically a compilation of weird true news stories from around the world. There's a story from Reuters out of Beijing that begins:

China's government has prepared a reading list for people staying at home after karaoke parlors and cinemas were shut to stem the spread of SARS (news - web sites) and, not surprisingly, Communist Party tomes top the pickings.

"In the development of human history, people inevitably encounter such disasters," it said in a statement posted on Internet portals (news - web sites) such as sina.com.cn. "We think this is just the time to catch up on reading."

Even Harry Potter made the list. If it were me, I think I would prescribe some practical reading like how about "Hygiene For Dummies" or "1,001 Ways to Accessorize with a Surgical Mask". You know keep it fresh and current. How is Harry Potter going to help them deal with the spread of SARS? I don't get it.

Another story I read was on the fact that experts now think people are consuming too many vitamins in their diet. What's so funny about this story? Well, nothing actually, I just thought I'd mention it because the author's name was Gina Kolata and for some reason it made me start singing "If you like GINA KOLATAS and getting caught in the rain, if you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain". And with that I shall get back to reading "Don't Touch that Infected Monkey Carrying the Plague".

2003-04-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

Crazy, but that's how it goes.

On the IMDB newspage they have a story about Jack Osbourne being in rehab in Pasadena. They won't disclose what he's addicted to, but I suspect jelly donuts and pizza.

Also the twins who are featured in the wet t-shirt contest in The Real Cancun were interviewed on The Jimmy Kimmel show and apparently they got into a little tiff with Snoop Dogg because they didn't like the fact that he refers to women as "bitches and hoes." They didn't want to be talked to like that, just because they take their clothes off in front of a complete group of strangers and start rubbing their naked bodies against each other for the sake of entertainment doesn't mean they're slutty. No, really it doesn't.

2003-04-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Note to self: You are a Genius.

I got a call from the leasing office at my apt. complex. At first, I was thinking they're going to tell me my lease is too good to be true and sorry but the rent will go up, but I answered it anyway. The good news: my lease is still good to go and they wanted to personally thank me for handing in my comment card about the property management company and also to tell me that they are looking into my suggestion of getting change machines so that the residents can get quarters for the vending and laundry machines. Immediately, I'm thinking -- hey don't I get something for my brilliant idea? Like how about another month of free rent or some money or free underground parking. No such luck. The leasing agent said she would let me know the status of the implementing of the change machines, I was like "oh, okay well thanks." It's not like I put in a work order for a leaky sink or something, but I thought it was considerate.

She also wanted to know if I had any other concerns and I said -- "Well I don't know if you've noticed, but the geese are crazy here." See this is what happened, one day I was coming back from class and there is a pond across from my apartment building where the geese go swimming. This huge goose is crossing the parking lot and I'm trying to park in front of my building, I'm pretty sure he was taunting me because he was walking super SLOW, taking his sweet-ass time walking over to the pond. Finally, after half-an-hour the f*cker manages to clear the parking lot, but is looking at me from the sidewalk, about 2 feet from the pond. I wasn't taking his shit and I ran up to him and acted like I was gonna kick him, no actual physical contact took place, but he got the point. He waddled his way, QUICKLY, I might add into the pond. See, he was taunting me. So anyway the leasing agent says they are aware of the geese problem and that the reason for their aggression is that this is their nesting season and they are laying eggs. Great, just what we need, a bunch of baby geese to add to their crazy Jackson Pollock poop designs on the walkways. They can't just make a nice pile of crap to be swept away by the maintenance crew, they like to walk and poop at the same time so you can experience the full effect of their work when you walk from your car to where the mailboxes are kept. Punk-ass bastards.

2003-04-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

"He's my man."

I have to blog this because it is too good. Last night, Dateline aired an interview between Tom Brokaw and President George W. Bush. The President has his critics, but come on people you cannot deny the fact that he says really stupid things that are downright HILARIOUS. During the interview, the President was asked what he thought about the Iraqi Minister of Information, who you frequently saw on CNN saying not only that the Iraqis were driving the U.S. out, but that the U.S. troops were in a state of disarray. He was trying his best to manipulate the reality of the situation and it was in a word "laughable." So what did George W. Bush think about this guy, he says -- laughing I might add, "He's my man . . . that guy was just great." I guess I found it funny because during such a serious time as war, can you picture the President sitting in the Oval Office laughing his ass off at this guy as he watched the war unfold on CNN -- well I can, that's the sad thing. Then I started thinking back to all the dumb things the President had said and figured, come on there has to be a website that has all this stuff and I found it. Check this site out: DubyaSpeak. I also love how their motto is: We record the damage. That's good stuff.

Here are some highlights:

"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning"
--Florence, SC, Jan. 11, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses."
--At a South Carolina oyster roast; quoted in the Financial Times, Jan.14, 2000

(This one's just for you Jenn.)
One of my favorites. The only one I remember.
-- Dubya's reflections on children's song "Itsy Bitsy Spider", photo-op with homeless children, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Mar. 12, 2002.

I loved history, and pursued a diversified course of study. I like to think of it as the academic road less traveled. For example, I took a class that studied Japanese Haiku. Haiku, for the uninitiated, is a 15th century form of poetry, each poem having 17 syllables. Haiku is fully understood only by the Zen masters. As I recall, one of my academic advisers was worried about my selection of such a specialized course. He said I should focus on English. I still hear that quite often. But my critics don't realize I don't make verbal gaffes. I'm speaking in the perfect forms and rhythms of ancient Haiku.
-- About as pained an attempt at pseudo-intelligent comedy as I've seen in some time (not to mention that it is factually inaccurate), Yale University, May 21, 2001

2003-04-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

"You have been outbid."

So I'm trying to buy this thing on eBay and one of the main reasons I love eBay is cause you really can get good stuff for less than what you would pay retail. I bid on this one item and now I get an e-mail saying I've been outbid so this is the thing that is funny to me, the person who outbid me is now offering MORE THAN THE RETAIL price. If I wanted it that bad I would just go to the store and pay the retail price and get it right there instead of having to pay shipping and handling in addition to the price and having to wait for it to be shipped to me. Dumb, but funny in a way. I should e-mail them and be all "you can have it sucka, but just so you know you're being totally ripped off."

2003-04-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Mr. Frodo

Did you ever have a dream that was so real when you woke up in the morning, you weren't sure if it had happened or not? That happened to me the other day. I had a dream I had BIG hairy feet. When I woke up in the morning, I was like "Awww f*ck am I a hobbit?" No really, I was worried. Anyway, what does having BIG hairy feet in my dream mean?

On another note, did you see the American quarters being released in 2003? I don't get the quarters. The designs don't seem symbolic of what the states really stand for in my opinion. For example, the Arkansas quarter has a diamond, rice stalks and a mallard. In reality, when you think of Arkansas don't the following images come to mind, such as: a pick-up truck, rednecks and trailer parks. If I designed the quarter for California, it would be a before and after profile of a woman who undergoes plastic surgery, you know nose job, boob job, lipo because everybody knows California is the capital of plastic surgery. That's just my opinion, but whatever for all I know I'm a hobbit.

2003-04-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yo, stop collaborate and listen

My apartment complex has a clubhouse where the freaks congregate (normally on Friday nights). The clubhouse has a pool, jacuzzi, and a pool table, raquetball courts, and of course the gym. So I use the gym fairly regularly during the evenings, I'll go even if you throw a party so there. So apparently sometype of shin-dig was going on this past weekend when I was there. Music was playing, people were dancing -- if you can call it that. One guy was having some type of spastic seizure or was doing the "African Anteater Ritual" reminiscent of Can't Buy Me Love. It's confirmed, white men can't dance.

To Rusty and Jenn, I changed the background -- you happy now?

2003-04-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

Moving on up to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky . . .

Before class, you can normally find me on the 1st floor of the library here at school. There are a bunch of us "regulars" who like the tables on the 1st floor. Take for instance, George. I don't know his real name, but to me he is simply George. Why you ask? Because he walks EXACTLY like George Jefferson from that great TV sitcom: The Jeffersons. I'm serious, he has the strut with the arms hanging loose and slack like an orangutan, whipping back and forth behind him. On top of that, today he was wearing loose fit corduroy jeans that looked like they were slipping (George -- a belt would fix that quickly and also prevent against an unwanted sighting of plumber's crack ass). He made a lot of noise as he hustled and bustled through the book stacks. I don't know if George is married, but if he was and I met his wife I would instantly refer to her as "Wheezie." Wouldn't you?

2003-04-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

I feel so good and I'm not even high.

That's a special reference that Jenn and Rusty Lau can appreciate, but for the record I am not a pothead. Mondays aren't all that bad. Take today for example, so I know my lease on my apartment is coming to an end and I was dreading it because I really like my apartment and got a pretty decent deal on the rent. I was under the impression that once my lease is over, the rent will go up back to what it should be going for, but fortunately for me the market here in Denver is bad for the apartment complexes. There are more apartments than there are tenants. The last report I saw said that only about 75 to 80 percent of the apartments are occupied.

So anyway, I go into the leasing office and get this, not only will my rent not go up, if I renew for at least another 6 months, I get one month FREE. FREE people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's awesome, so of course I renew for another 6 months. Just so you know, too, it's not like I'm stuck here at the apartment complex, it's fairly easy to break a lease here as compared to California. Love it -- so go on paying high rents on the west coast suckas, I'm good through October.

On another note, I wanted to thank Rusty and Jenn for helping me pass through the 100 mark for people who have visited. I know you two are the only people who visit. If there are other people visiting, make yourselves heard -- send a shout out fools.

2003-04-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed is Here in My Arms

Friday afternoon, it's warm. The sliding glass door to my balcony is open to let in the breeze. Here comes my neighbor driving through the parking lot, sunroof open, all four windows to his fancy-schmancy car down. He's BLASTING his car stereo, playing Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence." Ohh, the irony.

2003-04-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

Ugly People, Skanky Hoes, False Expectations

I love reality television, especially those TV Dating shows. Blind Date is great entertainment, think pop-up television from VH-1 with crazy, lonely, often mentally impaired people. Most of the people on Blind Date, especially the girls, are pretty hoe-ish and looking for a one-night stand. The Dating Story is TLC's version of Blind Date with normal-to-ugly people. I prefer The Dating Story more than Blind Date (no, not because it shows regular folks), but because you get to see the back story as to how the couples got hooked up. On The Dating Story, you get to follow around the girl and the guy and meet their family and friends who describe what they're like, why they're setting their friend up with that other person, etc. My fave episode involved this one girl, I can't remember her name, but I know she had Crazy Hair so for the sake of brevity let's call her C.H. She's set up on a date with an Italian Dude, can't remember his name so let's call him I.D.

So prior to the date C.H. is getting ready and, like most women, trying to find the perfect outfit. She picks this horrendous green summer dress, that does nothing for her figure. She thinks she's pretty cute, she even paints her toenails a matching pastel green color, thinking it will show her whimsical side to her date. I.D. gets ready by playing soccer in the park, he's Italian, they love the "football" as they call it over there in Europe. He says he wants a woman who is funny, smart, kind, and active. C.H. says she wants a guy who is interesting, spontaneous, passionate. All the typical bullshit people normally say when you ask them to describe their perfect other half. So it's all building up, the anxiety, nervousness, and uncertainty.

I.D. calls C.H. telling her he's coming over to pick her up for their afternoon date. They're going to the Whole Foods Market and he's going to cook her an authentic Italian meal. She's excited and she looks like she could pack away more than a few bowls of pasta, she's not fat, but her dress makes her look it. He arrives and right away I know where this date is heading. His face goes from smiling exuberance to disappointment. He obviously thinks he's too hot for her and the truth of the matter is, he's right. During the post-date interview he says, "I hated her dress, she definitely was not my type. I thought she would be more athletic." Good shit. She, on the other hand, is thrilled with her date. She's already picturing future dates and says "he's got that smoldering look." So the date basically continues on as a comedy of errors. She trying to be flirty and cute, talking non-stop, laughing at everything he says. She even asks him at one point, "Do you think there's chemistry between us?" He looks repulsed and tries to be polite, but you can tell he can't wait to get the hell out of there. He's diplomatic and says, "Well it's hard to tell, we don't really know each other." Just say what you mean -- you think she's a crazy, lonely, cow.

At the end of the show, they do a follow up. Something they don't do on Blind Date, but which I really like cuz I wanna know what happened you know. So the guy who set up C.H. and I.D. says that I.D. doesn't know what he's missing and that C.H. is a catch and that she's too good for him anyway. Yeah . . . if you say so. He's obviously got sour grapes for I.D., likely because he got his ass chewed out for setting I.D. up with this less than hot girl. So my point of these shows is that they're entertaining because they put people in the most uncomfortable social positions and it's all caught on tape for the world to see. What a great idea. If they did a version of "America's Most Horrible Dates" like how they have "America's Funniest Home Videos", I'm telling you the ratings would be killer. ABC, think about it.

2003-04-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Anti-Pooping Policy

Dear Anonymous Pooper,

I've never met you, but I am familiar with your work. I came across your efforts yesterday afternoon on the 1st floor bathroom of the library. I entered the bathroom because I had to pee and then the smell hit. It hit hard, it was thick, I probably could have cut the stink with a knife. Why'd you do it? There was no physical evidence (Thank God), but the smell!!!!! It was godawful, I didn't think human beings could do that, but I had to pee. Eyes tearing, I did what I had to do and prayed the noxious fumes hadn't attached to my clothes. My policy towards pooping in public restrooms is this . . . it should be avoided at all costs, if not for yourself do it for the next person who has to go in there.

The bathroom is a confined space, with no windows and poor ventilation, very poor. Your ass should be labeled a weapon of mass destruction. Whatever your eating, a change in diet is in order. No one should have to go through what I did and believe me, it wasn't just me who suffered. I saw the faces of the 2 girls who came out after me. They grimaced, one of them looked like she was going to blow chunks. So do us a favor next time, save the pooping for your own bathroom at home OR carry an air freshener with you. It's the right thing to do.

Sincerely yours,
Figgy
(A concerned bathroom patron)

2003-04-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

Career advice?

I went to the career center at my school to speak with one of the counselors. She reviewed my resume and made these comments: "I like what you've done here, this is nice, oh good." Then she gets down to the Skills section and says,"You may want to consider removing this section and putting an Interests section instead." Me: "Why?" She replies,"Well employers automatically assume you have the skillls necessary for the job based on your education and training."

This is the first time I've ever heard that employers assume you have skills, normally I thought you had to spell it out for them. She says,"An Interests section is a good ice breaker as your interviewer may have something in common with you and will strike up a conversation." This is all very new and interesting to me because prior career counselors have told me, "Nobody cares if you like reading or going to museums, keep the personal stuff off the resume." I agree with the latter view about keeping personal stuff off. I'm not sure I want to work for someone simply because they see that I like "horseback riding and hiking" -- isn't it more important to know if I have the skills necessary to complete the job. Besides I don't normally "hang" with people from work. Maybe my skills section was the "intimidating" part of my resume as my recruiter told me about the other job I was up for. Hmmmm, all very interesting and ridiculous at the same time.

2003-04-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Your World Frightens and Confuses Me

One of my professors has a pretty huge forehead with an overhanging brow, he is a very nice man besides the fact that he has a Neanderthal-like appearance. Is it wrong that whenever I see him I feel like stating the following:

"Ladies and gentlmen of the jury, I'm just a caveman."

"I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists."

"Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic makes me want to get out of my BMW and run off to the hills or whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine I wonder, Did little demons get inside and type it? I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts."

"But there is one thing I do know. When a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages and two million in punitive damages."

"Thank you."

2003-04-15T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am the Scream

Although I am still in school, my schedule is such that I am available for full-time employment. About three weeks ago, I registered with a placement agency here in the Denver area. I'm not here to criticize the recruiters, my contact person is actually extremely nice and helpful regarding my job search. She has submitted my resume to two potential employers for what I will call an administrative position. This morning she calls me with exciting news, she's submitted my resume to a firm who needs help IMMEDIATELY, by immediately, I mean starting tomorrow. So I'm excited because hey I might actually get to do something besides watching Oprah at 4 p.m. She tells me she will let me know as soon as she finds out anything new.

I wait and I wait, and then I wait somemore, at about a quarter to 5 p.m. I decide to call her back and see what's up. Well they received my resume and she says they're actually looking for someone with more of a "secretarial" background, I am not a secretary, my education and prior experience apparently is in the words of my recruiter "intimidating." I thought education was supposed to get you ahead, I guess not in the area of typing up correspondence and filing. To you my potential employer, I say -- your loss and now I shall denounce you on my blog. Sorry I didn't fit your -- high school education only, working for less than 15.00/hr. mentality, I apologize for being TOO GOOD for your sorry ass. Ahh, I feel better already.

2003-04-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

Right On!!!!! Groovy.
Alright, I'm posting something. Today, I shall comment on my ongoing job search which resulted in the following. So for about the past 2 weeks, this girl keeps calling me, leaving messages for me to call her back, but she doesn't say what it's in reference, too. I call back the first time and got some weird voicemail answering service, but I leave a message and wait for someone to call me. A week goes by and nobody returns my call, but then I get another message by the same girl asking me to now call her on her cell phone. Whatever, so I do it, but don't leave a message because I again don't know what this is in reference to.

Finally, I get a callback and the girl tells me she works for a financial planning and asset management company that is currently expanding throughout Colorado and are looking for associates to join their team. Right away, I'm thinking -- I don't know about this, but she's insistent and inquires "what's your schedule like?" and now I see it is a recruiting scheme to get people to sign on. So i ask her "Do you get paid while in training?" and she says "Well, there are salary incentives that we can discuss when you come in." Translation: no you don't get paid. I'm probably part of a quota of people she's required to bring in before she even gets paid. I have a distinct feeling I'm being used to supplement her financial endeavors.

So the thing that really blew it was when she asked me where i was driving from to get to their office and i tell her Southeast Denver and she says "Right on, that's where I'm moving." So maybe I'm being overly critical, but who says "right on" during a job interview. Hello is this Austin Powers? I think I'm going to bag out on the appointment. It was scheduled for Wednesday, so I'm going to call on Tuesday and just say something lame like I got offered a job closer to home. Plus, I mapped out the address on the Internet and it's pretty frickin' far from home and I don't see the point of driving that far when I won't even be getting paid for it.